The Pirates! by Gideon Defoe Page B

usual way of dealing with letters that he thought might contain bad news, but against his better judgement he opened it up. His salty face turned ashen.
    â€˜Is everything okay, Pirate Captain?’ asked the scarf-wearing pirate anxiously.
    â€˜Aaarrr. Nothing to worry about. It’s just a friendly reminder from Cutlass Liz,’ said the Pirate Captain, attempting to shoot him a reassuring smile, but finding his mouth stuck in a sort of lop-sided grimace. ‘Look here, she’s even included a helpful illustration.’
    The scarf-wearing pirate looked at the pictureon the letterhead, which showed Cutlass Liz merrily dismembering a pirate. There was a speech bubble coming from the pirate’s mouth. It said:

    The Pirate Captain took a few deep breaths and tried to concentrate on calm things, like lapping waves and pan-pipes. But the vein in his temple was starting to throb, and he could feel a steady panic rising from the soles of his pirate boots.
    â€˜I seem to be getting one of my heads,’ said the Pirate Captain. And with that he walked very slowly below decks, pausing only briefly to screw Scurvy Jake’s letter into a ball and throw it at a passing seagull.

Ten

Swimming Pools of Passion!

    The pirates lay miserably in their bunks. It had been the best part of a fortnight since they had decided to take up whaling, and they still hadn’t seen so much as a blow-hole. For the first few days the Pirate Captain had simply glowered and stomped about a bit more than he usually did. But just recently he had started to behave in a more and more alarming fashion. He would spend the nights stalking the deck, muttering darkly to himself; and the days refusing to come out of his cabin. He had taken to bellowing bleak self-penned poetry through the
Lovely Emma
’s speaking tubes. And he hadn’t so much as brushed his beard in days. Right at that moment he was stood on the bow of the boat roaring and shaking his fist at the drizzling sky. Normally when the Pirate Captain was in a mood he would have been secretly pleased that the weather reflected it, because thePirate Captain’s moods tended to be just for show. But this was an actual genuine mood, and he wasn’t pleased at all.
    â€˜Oh dear. He’s started shouting at the ocean again,’ said the sassy pirate, listening to the faint bellowing sounds that filtered through the porthole.
    â€˜I think I prefer the shouting to all that relentless pacing about,’ said the pirate in green.
    â€˜Or the poetry,’ said the pirate with a peg-leg.
    â€˜Or the frowning,’ said Jennifer.
    â€˜Did you see him this morning? I’ve never seen the vein in his temple get that big before.’
    â€˜He told me off for singing a shanty!’
    â€˜I took him some beef for dinner. But he wouldn’t even let me in. It was specially larded and everything,’ said the pirate with a scarf. 27
    â€˜Larded?’ said the sassy pirate, licking his lips.
    â€˜Yes, glistening with specks of visible fat. I tried wafting the smell under his door, but it was hopeless.’
    â€˜I thought I could cheer him up by riding up and down in the dumb waiter, but he just sat there with his arms folded.’
    â€˜No grog. No laughing. Lights out at seven p.m. This isn’t what being a pirate is meant to be about at all!’
    â€˜We might as well be working in an
office
.’
    â€˜I hate whales!’
    The pirates all jumped up as their bedroom door was thrown open with a crash.
    â€˜Up on deck, you swabs!’ roared the Pirate Captain. A couple of the pirates had to fight back tears, because for once it really sounded like the Pirate Captain actually thought they were swabs, and wasn’t just saying it to add some colourful nautical atmosphere. The crew all shuffled up the
Lovely Emma
’s spiral staircase and out onto the moonlit deck. The Pirate Captain hadn’t even given the pirates time to put on