The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays by Tom Stoppard Page A

suggestive behaviour witnessed by Constable Holmes through your window.
HARRIS : The activities in this room today have broadly speaking been of a mundane and domestic nature bordering on cliché. Police Constable Holmes obviously has an imagination as fervid and treacherous as your own. If he’s found a shred, of evidence to back it up then get him in here and let’s see it.
FOOT : Very well! (
Calls
.) Holmes!
THELMA : Inspector, the bulb, we need the bulb.
( MOTHER
hops over to the wooden chair by the wall, in order to pick it up, though we never see her complete the action
, FOOT ’
s attention is still on
HARRIS .)
FOOT : But bear in mind that my error was merely one of interpretation, and whatever did happen in Ponsonby Place this afternoon, your story contains a simple but revealingmistake which clearly indicates that your so-called alibi is a tissue of lies.
HARRIS : What do you mean?
FOOT : You claimed that your witness was a blind one-legged musician.
HARRIS : Roughly speaking.
FOOT : You are obviously unaware that a blind man
cannot stand on one leg
!
HARRIS : Rubbish!
FOOT : It is impossible to keep one’s sense of balance for more than a few seconds, and if you don’t believe me, try it!
(
Black-out as
FOOT
extracts the bulb
.)
HARRIS : I will!
MOTHER : Over here, Inspector.
(
In the darkness, which for these few seconds should be total
, HARRIS
begins to count, slowly and quietly to himself. But it is
FOOT ’
s voice that must be isolated
.)
FOOT : The sudden silence as I enter the canteen will be more than I can bear …
MOTHER : Here we are.
FOOT : The worst of it is, if I’d been up a few minutes earlier I could have cracked the case and made the arrest before the station even knew about it.
MOTHER : I’ll need the sock.
FOOT : I’d been out with the boys from C Division till dawn, and left my car outside the house, thinking that I’d move it to a parking meter before the wardens came round—in my position one has to set an example, you know. Well, I woke up late and my migraine was giving me hell and my bowels were so bad I had to stop half way through shaving, and I never gave the traffic warden a thought till I glanced out of the window and saw your car pulling away from the only parking space in the road. I flung down my razor and rushed into the street, pausing only to grab my wife’s handbag containing the small change and her parasol to keep off the rain——
MOTHER : You won’t mind if I have my practice now, will you?
FOOT : I got pretty wet because I couldn’t unfurl the damnedthing, and I couldn’t move fast because in my haste to pull up my pyjama trousers I put both feet into the same leg. So after hopping about a bit and nearly dropping the handbag into various puddles, I just thought to hell with it all and went back in the house. My wife claimed I’d broken her new white parasol, and when I finally got out of there I had a parking ticket. I can tell you it’s just been one bitch of a day.
MOTHER : Lights!
THELMA : At last.
(
The central light comes on and the effect is much brighter. The light has been turned on by
HOLMES ,
who stands rooted in the doorway with his hand still on the switch.
The row on the table reads from left to right:

(1) MOTHER ,
standing on her good foot only, on the wooden chair which is placed on the table; a woollen sock on one hand; playing the tuba
.
(2)
Lightshade, slowly descending towards the table
.
(3) FOOT ,
with one bare foot, sunglasses, eating banana
.
(4)
Fruit basket, slowly ascending
.
(5) HARRIS ,
gowned, blindfolded with a cushion cover over his head, arms outstretched, on one leg, counting
.
THELMA ,
in underwear, crawling around the table, scanning the floor and sniffing
, HOLMES
recoils into paralysis
.)
FOOT : Well, Constable, I think you owe us all an explanation.
(
The lampshade descends inexorably as the music continues to play; when it touches the table-top, there is no more light. Alternatively, the lampshade could