The Regal Rules for Girls by Jerramy Fine Page A

favorite department store), which is famous for its hat department. It was pure heaven. Your posture improves, your cheekbones are framed…I mean, it really is amazing what aflying saucer–shaped brim or a bit of netting draped over your eyes can do for a girl. However, my hair is naturally quite big, so I needed to opt for something simple. (Only girls with straight hair can pull off elaborate millinery.)

    Still, I nearly hyperventilated when I discovered that every hat I liked cost nearly $1,000. So the next day, after work, I headed to (you guessed it) John Lewis. Their hat department proved to be just as large as Selfridges’s, except everything was under $100. I chose a classic straw hat in a neutral peach, with a large beige twist at the front (which I knew would perfectly match my champagne silk Ann Taylor suit) and headed home, proud to be holding my very first hatbox.
    The problem was that two of my British girlfriends called me right as I was leaving the store and told me to meet them for drinks at a Mayfair bar only three streets away. I was hardly going to let a giant hexagonal hatbox keep me from my cocktails, so off I went, and one drink led to another that led to another, and before I knew what was happening we let a group of cute English boys take us to a nightclub.
    If you’ve never drunkenly pleaded with a coat check attendant at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday night to please let you have your hat even though you lost your ticket, because it’s Ascot Ladies Day tomorrow—then you clearly haven’t lived.
    (Not in London anyway.)
    HATS…
    Are for English races and English weddings. Nothing else.
    Should be classy and fabulous, but should not hide or overpower your face. (A good rule of thumb is that the brim should not extend beyond your shoulder line.)
    Should be worn at home first; experiment with various angles until you get it right. (Historically, a lady wore her hat tipped to the right side of her head so that her face was visible to gentleman friends clutching her left arm as they escorted her.)
    Should be worn with confidence and nonchalance; if you feel awkward or uncomfortable, choose something smaller and more subtle, like a fascinator.
    Should complement your dress and vice versa; if you’re wearing a bold dress, opt for a more discreet headpiece. Likewise, a dazzling fascinator works better with a simple dress.
    Should be fastened securely on your head. You want to spend the day sipping champagne, not clutching your headpiece. When in doubt, buy some bobby pins (or “hairgrips” as they’re called in the UK).
    Should not be too theatrical. Not everyone can be Lady Gaga. And that’s a good thing. (I think it’s fair to say that Princess Beatrice learned that lesson for us all.)
    Can be expensive. If you can’t afford to buy one, rent one! There are several hat hire shops in London. My favorite is Hectic Hat Hire in Fulham, www.hectichathire.co.uk.
    It’s my wedding day. I’m standing near the doors of the tiny London chapel in my giant white satin gown, awaiting the musical cue for my dad to escort me down the aisle. I can’t see them yet, but I know the chapel is filled with one hundred of our closest friends and family—half of them American, half of them British. The aisle is lined with bay trees (a decorative touch later borrowed by William and Kate). My five bridesmaids, dressed in gold damask, slowly begin the procession ahead of me. The last one in line turns to me, and right before she walks down the aisle, she says, “Jerramy, just so you know—there are lots of girls in there with birds on their heads!”
    What my dearest American bridesmaid didn’t know is that those birds were actually fetching British headpieces known as
fascinators
. Fascinators are feathery little head ornaments, held in place with a comb, pin, or band, that are becoming more and more popular with young British women who want to avoid feeling like Lady Bracknell 4 in large, wide-brimmed headwear. Because