The Sunset Strip Diaries by Amy Asbury Page A

I didn’t realize that fifteen-year-olds, shit, even twenty- five- year-olds were not dressing like that. I may have been dressed appropriately for a Hollywood party, where ‘over the top’ was a necessity to stand out over all the other girls, but at a high school kegger ? I was the only girl there dressed as if I was working the ho stroll. I immediately started drinking antiseptic-tasting Bacardi 151, which is apparently all they had. It took me precisely five minutes to be incredibly drunk.
     
    I remember when it hit me I could barely stand. I felt embarrassed because I knew I had to throw up. I crept away and locked myself in the bathroom. As I was throwing up, everything started spinning. I think I passed out shortly thereafter. I don’t know how long I was in there, but a girl finally broke in. I remember people helping me down the stairs so my date could take me home. I was like rubber- I couldn’t even hold myself up. I heard one person saying that they should put me in a shopping cart. I remember thinking … Wow…people are making fun of me, I am a fool. I blacked out shortly thereafter. I don’t remember getting into his car, I don’t remember us driving. I just remember waking up in the backseat. It was dark and I was looking up at a streetlight. There was someone on top of me and my dress was up around my waist. The guy was having sex with me. I was being date raped.
     
    Losing my virginity had not been my idea but I was too afraid to say no. This time I literally woke up to find this person on top of me. I was asleep! The guy stopped when he realized I was awake. He seemed to feel guilty. He tried talking with me until I sobered up. He was not arrogant like Jamie, but he had just raped me while I was passed out. He certainly didn’t think my father would hunt him down and shoot him, that’s for sure.
     
    I didn’t get home that night until four in the morning and I was in huge trouble. I couldn’t tell my parents what had happened. I could only cry. It was a crying like no crying I had ever experienced. It was a deep, thick, hard sort of crying, coming from way inside my guts.
     
    The next few weeks were suicidal for me. I wanted to kill myself. It hit me what I had done. I had purposely created this sexy image and I now had a reputation of being a person that was not me. I looked like a girl who wanted to have sex! And I didn’t want to have sex! I had a closet full of sexy clothes and high heels and bins full of makeup. I wanted out. I wanted to say “Cut!” to the director and walk off the set. I had just started the tenth grade only a month and a half prior and I still had three more years of this? I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. I truly wanted to die. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I smoked cigarettes and hid in the bathroom stalls, crying in my leather jacket. I started ditching all of my classes and failing everything. I walked around in a daze, my hair a mess, tears at the edges of my eyes.
     
    A few weeks passed and I didn’t get a period. I thought, No way . I can’t be pregnant by this Matt guy… I am fifteen. What have I done? I waited another week. I still didn’t get my period. When I was two weeks late on my period, I started to look for Matt to tell him. He tried to dodge me; I couldn’t get him to talk to me.  He had avoided me, just as Jamie had quickly done. He probably heard from Jamie that I was easy, for all I know. Anyway, when I finally got him to talk to me, the first thing I noticed was that he looked hideous. He had short, feathered bangs; yellowed skin, and super hesher brown hair. After getting a good look at him I thought, Why did I go out with this ugly bastard? He was very short with me and said he had to be somewhere. I felt like I was starring in an After School Special. I told him that I was late on my period. I can’t remember what he said- I think he said he would pay for half of an abortion or