The Twain Maxim by Clem Chambers Page B

water.”
    “And the bad news?”
    “If there’s an earthquake we’ll get gassed.”
    “Gassed?”
    “Yeah, the lake’s full of carbon dioxide from the volcano, and if there’s the wrong kind of seismic activity, up it comes and goodbye, Vienna. Everyone around the fucking lake dies.”
    “Ah, choice,” said Baz. “Ker, ker, ker, ker, ker, ker.” The jeep was bouncing over potholes. “This is going to be a riot. Anything else I need to know?”
    “Oh, nothing much,” said Higgins. “The civil war’s about to break out again and there’s still genocidal militias rampaging around the area.”
    “Anything else?”
    “We’re a bit too close to the gorillas for comfort.”
    “Can we buy them off?”
    “No,” said Higgins. “Or not without tonnes of bananas at any rate.”
    “ What? ”
    “Not guerrillas. The animals. We’re on the edge of a reserve. We might attract a bit of tree-hugger attention if we’re not careful.”
    “Christ, that’s all we need.”
    “And there’s a pygmy problem. They’re swarming all over our forty square miles.”
    “And what are they doing that’s a problem?”
    “Just being there. Some of the locals are scared of them. They’re, like, magical.”
    “ Magical ?”
    “Yeah.”
    “We’ve got magical pygmies?”
    “That’s right.”
    The jeep took a particularly big jolt.
    “And this is a problem?”
    “Yeah, because it could prove hard to hire local people and stuff.”
    “I see,” said Baz. “Anything else?”
    “That’s about it.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “Well, there’s …”
    “Shut up, Mark!” Baz was laughing again. “Just don’t tell me about the cannibals.”
    “Funny you should say that …”
    “No shut up, will you? Just shut up.”
    The volcano had what looked like a cloud of steam perched over it, and now he could see the lava that had flowed through the city in tar-like solid rivers. He marvelled at how two million people could place themselves, their families and their worldly goods in the lap of disaster. All you had to do was leave and go somewhere else. Anywhere would do, so long as it wasn’t beside an exploding mountain. How hard could it be?
    As long as the mountain didn’t go bang in the short term he and his plans would be fine. But the benighted citizens of Goma had ended up and would spend their whole lives in this perverse location. It seemed like a basic form of self-preservation to leave. But if a smoking mountain and streets full of lava couldn’t convince you to get on your bike then nothing would.
    Hotel Ihusi would be their base, and Baz would marshal his forces from the side of Lake Kivu. Then, when everything was in place, he might venture out to see the property. Or maybe not this time. Once they had the compound sorted, he would helicopter in and cut out all the nonsense of driving a hundred kilometres over barely passable roads.
    Once the compound was in place things would be a lot easier, Baz thought. Higgins had signed up as his on-site manager and was turning up trumps. Settling down had done the old bruiser no end of good, it appeared. After years ofproving otherwise, he had now made plain that he could, in fact, operate his brain, which would be convenient for both of them.

14
    Barron Mining was due to go public any day and Sebastian was nervous. He hadn’t received a call about it and he was expecting one. He saw on his Bloomberg that a ten-day notice had been released and therefore that the company was in the final days of its flotation but calls to the broker were going unanswered. Something was up and he decided to write a stinky email.
    “Ralph, I need to speak to you about Barron. I still haven’t got my share certs and I’m awaiting a call from you about the float. I’m interested in participating and concerned to get my existing shares into my account. If I can’t speak to you shortly I’ll have to resort to my bank’s analysts and ask them to go digging. Seb”
    That should get their