The Weight of Destiny by Nyrae Dawn Page B

was I thinking telling Ryder he could come here?
    “He’s not just a boy. He’s Mike Dawson . Seriously, Lu, if there were ever two people who could go out and not let it get in the way of their responsibilities, it’s you and Mike.” Jamie smiles at me. “That’s why we’ve always said you two would be perfect together. You’re both perfectionists. You both would rather be doing homework or working on student council than hanging out.”
    “You say that like you’re not part of student council or don’t get good grades.” This isn’t like Hailey and Jamie—to push something this way.
    “No, but we balance it differently than you do, Lu. You have to admit that. When was the last time you hung out with us besides at school? I mean, you’ve always sort of been that way, but it feels different lately.”
    All kinds of excuses fumble around in my head: it’s the beginning of the year, our senior year; I have a lot more responsibilities than they do; I’m going to Stanford next year.
    None of my reasons come out, though; instead I listen as Hailey picks up where Jamie left off. “Not that we don’t get it. Actually, we don’t totally get it, but that’s okay. You’ve always been more distant, but we just…it’s our last year of high school. We should be having more fun.”
    She means I should be having more fun. And that makes me wonder what they’ve been doing without me. Things I know they would welcome me to participate in but probably didn’t ask because they knew I’d say no.
    There’s nothing left in my chest now except loneliness; the heavy weight of it making it hard for me to breathe. I’m lonely. Solitary. How could I have never realized how alone I feel?
    “Let’s hang out later. We can—”
    “I can’t,” automatically comes out of my mouth, cutting Jamie off. She sighs. Guilt tumbles through me, but then I remember I really can’t. Ryder is outside waiting for me.
    Ryder. The guy with piercings in his lip, who curses like crazy and who can’t possibly understand me. We’re different, much too different. If Mike is perfect for me like Hailey and Jamie think, Ryder is one hundred percent wrong for me. We want different things, and we always will.
    But kissing him didn’t feel wrong. Listening to him talk didn’t either.
    “Over the weekend,” I blurt out. It’s a way to change the subject and stifle the thoughts in my head. “We should do something on the weekend. Have a sleepover and…I don’t know…”
    Loneliness is my heart disease, hardening my arteries and stopping my blood flow. I should know what I want to do. I’m seventeen years old. I shouldn’t feel lost at the thought of going out and having a good time.
    “Okay.” Jamie gives me a hug.
    “Should we invite Mike and his friends?” Hailey adds.
    She hardly gets the words out before I’m shaking my head, though I don’t know why. Because of my plan, or fear, or because of Ryder? There are too many variables. I just know I fear the emptiness inside me as much as I fear my destiny. I don’t know how to change either one.
    “I’m going to head out early, okay?” I push to my feet and place my stuff in my backpack. I tell Mr. Wave I need to leave because I have an appointment. It’s only ten minutes early, and like Dad, he trusts me, so he tells me it’s fine.
    My head is cluttered, which makes the fear run deeper. Confusing, mixed-up thoughts always weigh me down. They make me feel like Mom, as though I’m not me or I don’t have control. The thoughts make me wonder what Virginia Woolf felt like. If she always felt the heaviness of her life on her shoulders and in her head the way I do. Maybe she always felt so heavy that the rocks in her pocket didn’t make a difference.
    It’s sprinkling when I get outside. Ryder’s standing under the cover of the building with his head down, his hands shoved into his pockets. He’s wearing long sleeves and jeans, but no jacket or hoodie again. My heart does