Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Page B

16, 1876. The winner got a silver butter dish.
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THE GROUCHO WARS
    One of Uncle John’s favorite Marx Brothers scenes is from Duck Soup. Groucho is Rufus T. Firefly, head of a country called Freedonia...which is close to war with its neighbor, Sylvania. At the 11th hour, a conference is arranged with the Sylvanian ambassador to make an effort to avert the conflict. Groucho is amenable...until he works himself up into such a state that when the Sylvanian ambassador enters, Groucho slugs him. And, of course, there’s war. We bring this up because as preposterous as it seems, that kind of thing has happened more than once in the real world. We call these occurrences the Groucho Wars.
    D IPLOMACY...GROUCHO-STYLE
    Here’s Groucho’s Duck Soup soliloquy about war and peace.
    Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont): “I’ve taken the liberty of asking the ambassador to come over here, because we both felt that a friendly conference would settle everything peacefully. He’ll be here in a moment.”
    Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): “Mrs Teasdale, you did a noble deed. I’d be unworthy of the high trust that you’ve placed in me if I didn’t do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia at peace with the world. I’d be only too happy to meet Ambassador Trentino and offer him, on behalf of my country, the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure that he will accept this gesture in the spirit in which it is offered....
    “But what if he doesn’t? A fine thing that would be. I hold out my hand, and he refuses to accept it. (Sarcastically) That’ll add a lot to my prestige, won’t it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a foreign ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here and make a sap out of me in front of all my people? Think of it...I hold out my hand, and that hyena refuses to accept it. WHY THE CHEAP, FOUR-FLUSHING SWINE—HE’LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT, I TELL YOU—HE’LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT! ( The ambassador enters ) So! You refuse to shake hands with me, eh?” ( Groucho slaps him in the face )
    Ambassador: “...There’s no turning back now. This means WAR!”
     
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    Per capita, what U.S. city has the greatest number of psychiatrists? Washington, D.C.
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    THE REAL GROUCHO WARS
    These are not out of a movie script. People really died in them.
    Napoleonic Wars (1865)
    Between: Pararguay and its neighbors—Argentina, Brazil, Uraguay
    What Started It: Francisco Solano Lopez, president of Paraguay believed he was Napoleon. To prove it, he declared war simultaneously on all three countries.
    Outcome: Paraguay was decimated. Nearly half its population was killed in five years of battle.
    War Of The Oaken Bucket (1325)
    Between: The independent Italian states of Modena and Bologna
    What Started It: Modena soldiers invaded the state of Bologna to steal a bucket. They succeeded, but hundreds of Bologna citizens were killed in the process. Bologna declared war to avenge the deaths...and to get the bucket back.
    Outcome: They fought for 12 years, but Bologna never did get the bucket. To this day it’s still in Modena, stored in the bell tower of a 14-century cathedral.
    War of the Whiskers (1152)
    Between: England and France
    What Started It: King Louis VII of France had a beard when he was married, but shaved it off when he got home from the Crusades. According to The Book of Lists , his wife, Duchess Eleanor, thought he looked ugly without it and insisted he grow it back. He refused—so Eleanor divorced him to marry King Henry II of England. Louis wouldn’t relinquish control of Eleanor’s ancestral lands, so Henry declared war to get them back.
    Outcome: This conflict lasted longer than any of the the people who started it—301 years.
    War of the Stray Dog (1925)
    Between: Greece and Bulgaria
    What Started It: A Greek soldier’s dog ran across the Bulgarian border. When he followed it across the border, a Bulgarian border guard shot him. Greece declared war and invaded