Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 by John Michael Scalzi Page A

time:
    â€œThe razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.” (We knew that.)
    When the smoke cleared, the winner was 23-year-old Kimberly Yeo, who hammered out the message in just 43.24seconds. That was a full 23 seconds faster than the previous record holder, Briton James Trusler. However, Yeo’s time was only .2 seconds faster than the runner-up, 18-year-old Ashley Tan, proving that if SMS messaging ever becomes an Olympic sport Singapore will have the Dream Team.
    What is this skill actually good for? Aside from passing along information about the dietary habits of certain piranha species, not a whole lot. And of course, the fact that you can say the above factoid into your cell phone several times faster than you can type it seems to have escaped everyone’s attention entirely. Nevertheless, previous record holder James Trusler is already gearing up to reclaim his title, stating: “I’m very positive that I can break this record.” Live that dream, James! At least it’s better than blowing pasta out your nose.
    Source: The Straits Times (Singapore)

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GPS Also Stands For “Generally Pretty Stupid”
    C ars these days are so packed with nifty technical gadgets that it’s a rare individual who can keep himself from fiddling around with them to try to see how they all work. But some people, especially George Sam Youssef of Australia, might be better off not touching the tech.
    One day, Youssef decided to buy a replica pistol in Brisbane, and then use it to carjack a very nice, very expensive BMW. And why stop there? Youssef’s next stop was a bank, which he robbed to the tune of $10,000 Australian.
    Then he dumped the car and took a bus headed out of town—but not before fiddling with the BMW’s Global Positioning system, into which he had entered his father’s address, making it a lot easier to track him down. It also didn’t help that Youssef’s fingerprints were all over the car.
    At his trial, the defense tried to gain leniency through the innovative strategy of admitting Youssef’s utter lack of criminal skills; “He would have to be one of the most inept armed robbers to come before a court,” said defense barrister Mal Harrison, after his client pled guilty to deprivation of liberty, entering a vehicle and unlawful use of a vehicle with aggravation (that’d be the carjacking), as well as robbery with aggravation (for that bank episode).
    A bold maneuver! Which didn’t work, as Youssef was then sentenced to six years in the pen. They won’t need a GPS to find him now.
    Source: news.com.au , abc.net.au

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The Ultimate in Poor Service
    W e’ve all heard stories of shifty waiters and waitresses taking down credit card numbers from customers and then using them to buy toys, houses, and ponies. But generally there should be a short interval between the theft of a card number and the accrual of aberrant charges—say, at least a couple of hours. Don’t thieves know it’s good manners to let your stomach settle before hitting you with the charges?
    Someone tell that to “Sheng” and “Han,” two waiters from Shanghai. They were waiting on a customer in the restaurant where they worked when Mr. Customer handed over a credit card to pay for lunch. Shortly thereafter, the two of them told Mr. Customer that there was a problem with the receipt, and it would take a couple minutes for them to resolve it. And then shortly after that, Mr. Customer got a call on his cell phone; it was his credit card company, and they wanted to know if he in fact just now purchased $3,000 worth of cell phones. Well, no, he hadn’t; he’d just bought lunch. But he could guess who it was trying to buy the phones. Sheng and Han were picked up and charged with theft not long after that.
    What we want to know is,