Undone by Cat Clarke

don’t know where the courage came from. Normally I would just scurry away without saying anything.
    ‘Yeah . . . about Saturday . . . that was a
dare
, you stupid little fuck. What’s
your
excuse, eh?’
    ‘You’re lying.’
    ‘Whatever you say, darlin’. Whatever you say. Anyway, it’s been nice talking to you, but I’d better be off. Things to see, people to do.’
    He swaggered off down the hallway, leaving me standing there feeling . . . feeling
what
exactly? It was hard to separate all the different things I was feeling at that moment. Angry, definitely. Annoyed.Embarrassed. I could handle those three. They were what you’d expect. But there was something else lurking at the edges. Something like disappointment. Something like sadness. And that made no sense whatsoever.

chapter twelve
    I went straight round to Kai’s after school and was surprised that he was the one to answer the door. I was doubly surprised to find him smiling. He ushered me in and we went straight upstairs. He bounded up there like an overenthusiastic puppy. I trudged up there like I’d had the worst day ever. Which I pretty much had.
    Kai sat down at his desk. There were three empty cups, which was unusual – he was usually so fastidious.
    ‘Um . . . you seem . . . better?’
    ‘I
am
better, thanks.’
    ‘Really?’ I wasn’t buying it – considering the state he’d been in the night before.
    ‘Really.’ He was fidgeting. His hands drummed a beat on his thighs.
    ‘Kai, this is me here. Be honest.’
    He laughed and it was a genuine Kai belly laugh. ‘I
am
being honest. OK, here’s the deal. This video thinghas happened and I wish it hadn’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s no point crying about it, is there? I’ve got to man up. Nut up or shut up, right?’ I said nothing, which was OK because he carried on talking without giving me a chance to answer. ‘So the plan is, I’m going to stay home tomorrow. No point going back on a Friday, is there? Then I’ve got Saturday and Sunday, and by the time Monday comes around, people will have something new to talk about. Hopefully there will be another party this weekend and someone will do something even more embarrassing and they’ll forget all about me . . .’ His voice trailed off into nothingness and he stopped fidgeting.
    The onslaught of words was like hailstones battering my head. But even though he’d been speaking at the speed of light, I’d still caught it. ‘So it
was
at the party?’ It was the first time I’d broached the subject; I’d been waiting for him to say something first.
    ‘I didn’t say that.’ His words were measured now.
    ‘Kai, I recognized your stupid shirt as soon as I saw it.’
    He shook his head and slapped his cheeks, and completely ignored what I’d just said. Under normal circumstances he’d
never
let me get away with dissing his sartorial choices. ‘God, I’m so tired. Not enough coffee. Not
nearly
enough coffee. Right, anyway, you’dbetter get going before Mum wakes up. Faking an illness is so much trickier when your Mum’s a nurse.’ He jumped up from his chair and held out his hand to me. ‘Off you go now. I bet you’ve got homework you should be doing, haven’t you?’
    I nodded and allowed myself to be led downstairs.
    ‘Kai, are you sure you’re OK? You’re acting a little weird.’
    He kissed me on the forehead. ‘Ah, Jemima! Weirdness is one of my many charms.’ Then he grabbed me in a bear hug and squeezed so hard I thought I might pass out.
    I went to pull away after a couple of seconds, but he squeezed even harder and whispered in my ear. ‘Nope. I’m not quite ready for this hug to end. It’s a particularly good one, in my humble opinion.’
    So we stood there in the doorway for a good couple of minutes and it was nice. Kai’s hugs always made the world seem a better, safer place. He didn’t smell
quite
as good as usual. The aroma of stale coffee was added into the mix, but at least