rush of embarrassment that I’m holding it upside down. I clunk the bottom of it painfully against my front teeth, forcing me to wince. Hoping no one has noticed I attempt a gracious smile, acknowledging the audience’s admiration of the bridesmaids with a benevolent nod in their general direction.
Well, that’s my goal, anyway.
It’s at this point Morgan elbows me painfully in the ribs.
“Owww! What was that for?” I question loudly as I rub my battered side with my free hand.
There’s a general snigger from the wedding guests and I look up to see Kyle offering me the microphone in his outstretched hand. How long he’s been holding it there is anyone’s guess.
I rise unsteadily, reluctantly take it from him. He darts me an encouraging look, assuming I’m wobbling because I’m just nervous. He’s clearly not fully aware of my current state of intoxication.
Well that won’t last , I think as I turn to face the roomful of people dressed in appropriate black tie, awaiting my enlightened and entertaining speech.
More fool them.
“Testing, testing, one two three,” I say in a deep voice into the microphone, before bursting into self-induced laughter.
I’ve always wanted to pretend I’m a roadie setting up for a band. I thought it might be really quite hilarious to do it right here and now. Thankfully some people laugh.
I hope it’s at my joke rather than at me.
Feeling encouraged, I do one final skim over the table for my notes. Unable to locate them and probably incapable of reading them even if I did, I launch into what I hope is a true facsimile of the speech I’d painstakingly prepared earlier.
“Hellooooo!” I say once I’ve regained my composure. “I’m Jess, Laura’s maid of honour.”
Several kind-hearted people nod encouragingly at me.
I try to blink away my intoxication, but I suspect all I do is make myself look like a dog having a particularly dynamic dream about chasing cats.
“I’m the express delivery from London, back here in Wellington. Here for one night and one night only!” I’m beginning to enjoy the freedom not reading from my notes has afforded me.
“Oh yeah, I know!” I exclaim in excitement, suddenly remembering what I’d planned to say. “I’ve been best friends with Laura since we were, like, kids .”
Regaining a trace of my composure I feel elated that my speech is flooding back to me. I can almost see the words dancing in front of my eyes now.
But as I turn to look at my friend, seeing her glowing with happiness in her graceful bridal dress, the words begin to merge, as I’m overwhelmed with emotion.
“Wow, Laura,” I gush. “You look so beautiful tonight. I just have to say that I love you just so, so much. You’re the most amazing person in the world. More amazing than anyone I’ve ever, ever, ever known.”
She smiles sweetly at me, clearly flattered by my heartfelt words.
I then spot Morgan sitting next to her, watching me with a mixture of alarm and humour.
“Oh, and you too, Morgs. You’re like so amazing too. Really, really amazing.”
I wipe my eyes with my stiff table napkin, which serves only to smear my mascara down my face.
“You two girls are the best.” I’m almost howling now and my words come out more like “Doo doo gurl zarr da vess,” as I indulge myself in my drunken sentimentality.
I spy Kyle, who is undoubtedly regretting handing me the microphone a few moments ago. I’ve known Kyle for years, ever since he and Laura first started dating when we were all best friends in high school. And I adore him. He’s warm, funny, and clever. He’s the perfect match for my amazing friend.
So I decide to tell everyone how I feel about him too.
“Kyle,” I sigh, beaming at him indulgently. “Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.”
I pause as I recall the time we went to the Wellington Rugby Sevens Tournament last summer. It’s a fancy dress event so Morgan, Laura and I went as saucy Snow Whites, in short dresses and brunette wigs.