What Brings Me to You by Loralee Abercrombie Page A

interlocked at the back of his head.    He began pacing my room.
                  "Teddy?" I sat up, too. I missed his warmth on my face, my hands. I wanted him back.
                  "I'm...I'm sorry Charley, I shouldn't have done that."
                  "It's okay, Teddy. It's okay, come here," and I opened my arms to him as seductively as I could. He grinned something magnetic and I knew what he was thinking but he wiped it away before it got the best of him and continued pacing.
                  "No, I can't. We can't. It's just wrong...I mean, not wrong, it's just not right, not like this. Not with me."
                  "Teddy, what are you talking about?" I was genuinely confused but the only thing that I could read was he wasn't into me.    Y ou're ugly, you're brown, nobody wants you. He doesn't look at you like that, Charley. God, you're stupid. Adam’s voice. The nasty, biting voice I’d hear in my head was screaming at me. The words were coming hard and fast and even closing my eyes and counting to ten didn't work. Things started not to feel connected, like one of those old movies where you can really only see a frame at a time. My breathing was becoming labored to the point that I could no longer control or hide it. I hugged my knees and held my ears to block out the sound of the voice chastising me in my mind.    You're ugly! He cried . You’re damaged! No one wants you! No one will ever want you! He doesn't want you! He doesn't care about you like that!     You’re going to be lousy in bed, anyway! Teddy’s voice was the only thing that snapped me out of it, and even then, just barely.
                  "Charley. Charley! Are you okay?" I felt his breath close, his arms encircled my hips, he was kneeling, literally kneeling before me.
                  "Yes."    He doesn't care about you, ugly.     I was crying again, but put of embarrassment and fear.    I just wanted to disappear into the mattress like water . How could you be so stupid, Charley? " No, of course I'm not okay. What's wrong, Teddy? I thought...I thought you wanted this?" I thought you wanted     me ?
                  "I do...God," and he ran his hands through his hair again, a frustrated tic I supposed, "I want this more than you know, but it's not right."
                  "Why?"
                  "Because you deserve...I don't deserve you."
                  "Is this because of the girl?"
                  "Who?"
                  "The girl, what was it? Lisa? Lacey?"
                  "No."
                  "Your jaw is clenching, I know you're lying."
                  "Okay, Jesus,"' he let out a frustrated growl and continued to pace. "Yes, partly. But that's irrelevant now."
                  "I don't think so. Who is she, really?"
                  "It's not important."
                  "You said you were friends 'sometimes', once."
                  "Yeah, so?"
                  "So she's a fuck-buddy, then? Just tell the truth."
                  "Sometimes."
                  "Wow. That's really evolved of you. Who initiates it?
                  "I think that's enough, don't you?"
                  "No! You're here, in my bed, listening to all my secrets, kissing me and comforting me and then just stop out of nowhere because you have a causal relationship with some               chick?" I was beginning to lose it. I was shrieking and panting but I couldn't get a grip.
                  "Charley, please."
                  "No, I see it all so clearly now. You'd forgo something real with me because I'm ugly so you can hang on to something physical with her because she's hot."
                  "Charley. It's not