What Does Blue Feel Like? by Jessica Davidson Page B

later,
    a woman doctor sticks her head around the curtain.
    Her photo ID says her name — Aimee West.
    Apparently Nasty Doctor has finished his shift.
    She smiles as she says hello, but her eyes reflect
    how tired she is.
    I’m wondering how much she must like doctoring people
    to start a shift at five am
    when I realise she’s still talking.
    The results of the blood test show
    that Bronwyn’s drink was definitely spiked.
    She tells us with sympathy in her eyes
    that Bronwyn is lucky
    she didn’t end up being raped and left in a gutter,
    that she hopes we’ll stop taking drinks from
    people we think we can trust.
    That it could’ve ended up a lot worse.
Dangerous world
    Dr Aimee tells us with anger in her eyes
    about the young girl who was in last weekend.
    How she went out to celebrate her eighteenth birthday,
    first time in a club
    and even though she only had two drinks,
    one was spiked.
    The security guards thought she was just drunk
    and kicked her out.
    The guy who spiked her drink
    told the guards he was her boyfriend
    even though they’d never spoken.
    She told the guards that she didn’t know who he was
    but the guy told them she was just being a drunken fool,
    that she didn’t know what she was saying,
    that they’d had a fight and it was the alcohol talking.
    And the guards agreed.
    Just another drunk girl falling over herself
    babbling nonsense
    about to pass out
    reeking of vomit.
    They were more than happy
    for her ‘boyfriend’ to take her home.
    She woke up
    hours later,
    Naked
    Bruised
    Sore.
    The tests confirmed
    she’d been raped by six guys.
    The doctor shakes her head.
    â€˜It’s a sad and dangerous world we live in, girls,
    a sad and dangerous world.’
    Her beeper goes off
    and she gives us a tired smile as she leaves.

What kind of a world is this?
    Bronwyn sleeps,
    drip in her arm,
    hair plastered stickily across her wan face.
    The only colour in her face is the black as black
    marks underneath each eye.
    As Char paces,
    angry,
    fuming,
    at Nasty Doctor,
    and New Guy.
    She can’t believe
    there are people out there
    dropping shit into drinks
    for the fun of it.
    And there are people out there
    who are considered so smart
    but are so condescending.
    What kind of a world is this?

But Mum
    After lunch that day,
    when Bronwyn’s gone up to a ward
    for a day or two,
    I go home,
    zombified.
    Mum is about to go off her nut at me
    for going to the party
    when she sees the look on my face.
    â€˜For heaven’s sake, Char. What is it now?’
    I tell her about Bronwyn,
    about the Nasty Doctor,
    about the ambos.
    She tells me, ‘I knew you shouldn’t have gone to that party.
    See? I knew.’
    â€˜But Mum —’
    I say,
    â€˜But Mum — what if I hadn’t been there?
    Imagine what would have happened.’
    She cuddles me, and says,
    â€˜I’m just glad you’re okay, Char.
    I’m just glad you’re okay.’

Forgiveness
    I tell the shrink
    that although Jim wants me to forgive him
    for the cheating
    I can’t.
    Because if I forgave him
    that would make what he did okay.
    I would be saying that it was okay.
    She asks me
    if forgiveness can mean that
    what happened wasn’t okay
    but you’re moving on,
    taking what you learnt,
    but not staying in the past,
    bitter.
    That you don’t
    even have to like people again once you forgive them.
    You don’t
    have to invite them for lunch or want to be around them.
    But you don’t
    carry hate around with you for what they did to you.
    That forgiveness can be a release for you,
    rather than exoneration for them.
    I tell her
    I’ll have to think about it.
    I tell her
    that she sure does have some weird theories.
    I tell her
    she must have gone crazy
    after listening to people’s problems for so many years.
    Â 

    The school is glad
that I have a shrink
because that means I’m curable
and it’s not their