that ‘one may smile, and smile, and be a villain’ .
I’d been up before the larks that morning and, having
dressed hastily, had marched downstairs to seek out Evangeline. She would come
to see, I told myself, that I was no meek little pushover with babies twinkling
in her eyes. She would give me my answers, and in return I would give her a
glimpse of the Jones spirit – the steel and fire and strength of my sister and
my mother, and my grandfather before them. They wouldn’t lie down and
take Evangeline’s orders, and neither would I: I was a Jones, and that meant
something.
I kept my resolve when I discovered Evangeline waiting for
me at the bottom of the stairs; when she led me into the conservatory, where
Nathaniel had set out breakfast for us in a secluded corner; and when she began
with pleasantries – Was I feeling quite well now? How had I slept? Was my room
to my liking? Had I had the tour? I answered each question with a one-word
reply, and didn’t bother to conceal the ice in my eyes as I watched Evangeline
sip her tea and smear apricot jam on her toast and think of a new meaningless
question to ask me and all the while smile and smile and smile.
This woman, who was the leader of this messed-up place.
This woman, who’d had how many babies and given up each.
This woman, who would have me breed with Jude.
This woman, who would keep me here for the rest of my life.
Eventually, I could take it no longer, this charade of
civility when we both knew there was ugly business to attend to. But before I
could form the words ‘I want to leave’, her papery white hand crept across the
table to cover mine and she opened the conversation we were here to have with a
sensitivity that took the wind right out my sails:
‘Scarlett, my dear, I know . I see it in your eyes,
and I know. You’re angry. You’re hurt. You’re frightened. You’re bewildered.
It’s only to be expected. You’ll find no judgement here.
‘I want you to know that I’m so happy to have you here, and
I’m so looking forward to getting to know you. I can only apologise for what
must have been an arduous beginning here. I was so keen to sit down with you
right away and answer all the questions that must be weighing heavily on you. I
always do so with a new girl – and it was especially important for you. But of
course little January decided to come just as you woke up from your transition,
and I was needed, as I’m sure you understand.
‘Jude came to me last night and told me everything you’ve
learnt from him – in a somewhat jumbled and unclear fashion, I gather, which
has no doubt been distressing. There are gaps in your knowledge, I know, and
it’s my duty to fill those for you. Then this time of struggle will be behind
you, and you can relax into your life here.’
She looked at me expectantly. To my dismay, I found my core
of steel had softened a little. I didn’t know what to make of this woman who
seemed so genuine but surely was not. But, I realised, I wanted to believe what
she said.
She was waiting for some sort of reply. I opened my mouth
and out flooded the words etched onto my heart: ‘I want to go home.’ I’d meant
to sound commanding, demanding, but instead my voice wobbled and I sounded like
a lost little girl.
Evangeline sighed and squeezed my hand. ‘I know you do,
dear. But this is your home now. You’re one of us, a Cerulean, and you belong
here.’
‘You don’t understand – my mother, my boyfriend…’
‘I do understand, Scarlett. Once, I was in your place. It
was a very long time ago, but I remember the feelings well. I was eighteen,
just like you. I had a family to leave behind – a mother who cared for me. It’s
a shock, I know, to be Claimed. But Scarlett, we can only move forwards, not
backwards. There’s no going back.’
‘But it is possible. I could go back.’
She was shaking her head. ‘No. For many reasons.’
I sat back in my seat, teacup in hand, and raised