Within These Walls by J. L. Berg Page B

Lailah. Listen, I lost someone. She was the one, and it happened a while ago. I can’t…I’m not capable of those types of feelings anymore,” I said, fumbling over my words.
    His hand came to my shoulder, steadying me. “Then, I guess we don’t have a problem, do we?”
    His eyes met mine, and I could see understanding there. Somewhere along the way, he’d lost his one and only as well.
    The only problem was Marcus’s ghost was still very much alive.

 
     
    SOME DAYS IN the hospital would fly by. I’d open my journal, find a groove, and the words would just start flying. Before I knew it, someone would be knocking on my door to deliver dinner. I loved days like that. It made time feel fluid and precious.
    Today was not one of those days.
    It was barely noon, and I’d spent the last thirty minutes watching the clock slowly tick away, each minute seeming to last longer than the one before, until I was near the point of ripping the stupid thing off the wall.
    It was long, endless days like this that made me wonder, What’s the point at all?
    I hated these days. They made me doubt everything—every action, every decision.
    I was sitting in a lonely hospital room, staring at a clock.
    Is that any way to live? Is it living at all? Why have a beating heart if I don’t know why it beats in the first place?
    These were my deepest, darkest doubts. I would keep these feelings bottled inside of me, and I’d refuse to acknowledge them until another day like this would creep up on me. Then, I’d find myself once again staring at a ridiculous clock, wondering why I was even on this earth if I was bound to spend my life in this room.
    A soft knock pulled me from the staring match I was having with the clock, and I looked down to find Jude stepping through the door.
    Holy crap on a cracker.
    I sucked in a breath and tried not to drool.
    I’d grown accustomed to seeing Jude in his signature teal scrubs. Many nurses and CNAs would wear a variety of scrubs to work. None were as crazy as Grace with her cartoon characters and weird prints, but Jude was very plain, wearing the same traditional color each and every day I saw him.
    He was not wearing teal today.
    And he was definitely not wearing scrubs.
    Today, he was in black jeans and a fitted black T-shirt that hugged his upper body in a way that scrubs definitely could not. His hair was still in need of a haircut, but it looked like he’d attempted to at least run his hands through it.
    I’d love to run my hands through it.
    Oh my God, stop it, Lailah.
    I didn’t know how long I’d been staring at him, but I suddenly realized I hadn’t greeted him or even offered a wave.
    Nope, I was just sitting there with my mouth hanging open.
    “Um…hey!” I finally said with far too much enthusiasm.
    He smiled that shy grin I’d seen before, and then he glanced down at the ground before looking up at me.
    “Hi. I know I said I’d come and visit this evening, but I thought you might enjoy some company during the day.”
    “You mean, you can actually come out in sunlight? I was starting to wonder if you sparkled.” I laughed.
    The joke was obviously lost on him because he just gave me an amused expression and shook his head.
    “Anyway, I have a bit of a surprise for you, if you’re up for it.”
    “Does it involve pudding?” I asked.
    “Um…no, but it involves chocolate,” he answered.
    “You should have started with that. Always open with chocolate.”
    “So, is that a yes?” he questioned.
    “To the mysterious surprise? Even though I have no idea what we’re doing or where we’re going? Hmm…I had an eventful afternoon planned,” I started to say in a sarcastic tone. “I was going to paint my nails and watch a soap opera. You know that Stefano was almost murdered, right? Very scandalous.”
    He rolled his eyes, his grin widening, and he pivoted on his heels. Turning around, he walked the few steps to the door and walked out.
    Oh no!
    Did I upset him? Is sarcasm