Words Left Unsaid by Missy Johnson Page B

like a complete tool. In my sister’s typical fashion, she picks right up on it.
    “You like him, don’t you?”
    “No. Yes.” I cover my face with my hands. “He’s a nice guy who’s impossible not to like.”
    “You know what I mean,” Ellie presses. “You really like him.”
    “It doesn’t matter. The fact is I’m not ready for anything, so all the more reason for not putting myself in a situation where I have to see him every day.”
    “Or all the more reason to do it,” Ellie argues. “If you’re not ready, then prove that to yourself. Besides, you’re hardly in the position to be turning down well-paying jobs that work around your needs with Tilly.”
    “And that’s another thing. What if Tilly hates the idea of me teaching at her school?” I ask.
    “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ellie scoffs. “That kid worships you. She’d be ecstatic if you were at her school, and you know it.”
    “Now maybe,” I concede, “but she might not feel that way in a few years.”
    “She’ll cope. Now go home and apply for that damn job before I do it for you,” she demands.
    Sighing, I get up. I know she’s right, but I still need to think this through more.
     
    I leave Ellie’s with the sudden desire to go and see Aiden. It’s probably guilt, like seeing him will reinforce how delicate this whole situation is. Should I feel guilty for having feelings for another man? My stomach tightens. I’m admitting to myself that I actually feel something for Max. That scares the hell out of me.
    I love Aiden more than anything, but my life has changed so much in the last three years. For the first time in a long time I’ve found myself forgetting my problems. Max makes me laugh. He makes me forget how messed up my life is and reminds me how much more there is out there. But I know it’s not that easy. I can’t just turn off the way I feel, and I have Tilly to consider. Her life is confusing enough as it is.
    I turn on the radio in a desperate attempt to escape my own mind. If I keep thinking about this, I’m going to go insane.
    Pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, I park the car and get out. The usual feeling of dread hits me as I walk toward the door. I shiver, running my hands over my bare arms as I look up at the overcast sky. It looks like it’s going to downpour at any second, which is unusual for this time of year. I contemplate going back to the car for my jacket, but the walk just feels too long.
    I arrive at Aiden’s room, the smile on my face burying my true emotions. My heart aches when I see him. He looks just the same as he did a few days ago except his hair is shorter. The new cut makes his cheeks look even hollower. My stomach churns and I look away. I walk over and sit in the chair, placing my hand over his. His cold touch makes me shiver as the constant beep of the machines keeping him alive taunt me. Is it any wonder Tilly is so terrified to see him?
    “Hey you,” I whisper. I swallow the lump in my throat. I’m on the verge of tears because I hate not being able to fix this.
    If I’d thought coming here would ease my guilt, I was wrong. I feel a thousand times worse.
    “You have no idea how much I wish I could hear your voice,” I mumble, wetting my dry lips.
    For months after the accident I’d listen to his voice messages on my phone every day—sometimes ten times a day. It was the only thing that could help me feel close to him. I felt closer to him listening to a message than I did sitting next to him in this room. How fucked up is that?
    “I just wish you could tell me what to do, because I don’t know what the right thing is anymore,” I whisper. “I’m tired of everything, Aiden. I just want to wake up and realize this is all a dream and you’re in bed next to me.”
    I stare at him for a moment, as if I expect him to respond. Of course, he doesn’t. My hands shaking, I pick up a copy of the TV Weekly sitting on his bedside table.
    “I know how much you