A Cool Million by Nathanael West

to handle your case properly.”
    “My case?” queried Lem in astonishment. “I’ve done nothing.”
    “Ignorance of the law is no defense,”
said Lawyer Abromovitz pompously.
    “Of what am I accused?” asked the
poor lad in confusion.
    “Of several
things. Disorderly conduct and assaulting a police officer, for one; of
conspiring to overthrow the Government, for two; and last but not least, of
using the glim racket to mulct storekeepers.”
    “But I didn’t do any of these
things,” protested Lem .
    “Listen, bud,” said the lawyer,
dropping all formality. I’m not the judge, you don’t
have to lie to me. You’re One-eyed Pitkin, the glim dropper, and you know it.”
    “It’s true that I have but one eye,
but…”
    “But me no buts. This is a tough case. That is, unless you can grow an eye overnight in that
hole in your mug.”
    “I am innocent,” repeated Lem sadly.
    “If that’s the line you intend to
take, I wouldn’t be surprised if you got life. But tell me, didn’t you go to
the store of Hazelton Freres and make believe you
lost your eye?”
    “Yes,” said Lem ,
“but I didn’t take anything or do anything.”
    “Didn’t you offer a reward of one
thousand dollars for the return of your eye?”
    “Yes, but…”
    “Again, but. Please don’t but me no buts. Your accomplice went around the next day and made
believe he had found a glass eye on the floor of the store. Mr. Hazelton said
that he knew who it belonged to and asked him for the eye. He refused to give
it up, saying that it looked like a very valuable eye to him and that if Mr.
Hazelton would give him the address of the man who owned it, he would return
the eye himself. Mr. Hazelton thought that he was going to lose all chances of
collecting the thousand-dollar reward, so he offered the man a hundred dollars
for the eye. After some bargaining your accomplice went out with two hundred
and fifty dollars, and Mr. Hazelton is still waiting for you to come and claim
your eye’
    “I didn’t know about all that or I
wouldn’t have taken the job even if I was starving,” said Lem .
“I was told that it was a promotion idea for a glass eye company.”
    “O.K., son, but I’ll have to think
up a little better story. Before I begin thinking, how much money have you?”
    “I worked three weeks and was paid
thirty dollars a week. I have ninety dollars in a savings bank.”
    “That’s not much. This conference is
going to cost you one hundred dollars with ten per cent off for cash or ninety
dollars. Hand it over.”
    “I don’t want you as my lawyer,”
said Lem .
    “That’s all right with me; but come
through with the dough for this conference.”
    “I don’t owe you anything. I didn’t
hire you.”
    “Oh, yeh ,
you one-eyed rat,” said the lawyer, showing his true colors. “The courts
appointed me and the courts will decide how much you owe me. Give me the ninety
and we’ll call it square. Otherwise I’ll sue you.”
    “I’ll give you nothing!” exclaimed Lem .
    “Getting tough, eh? We’ll soon see
how tough you are. I’ll tell my friend the district attorney and you’ll get
life.”
    With this last as a parting shot,
Lawyer Abromovitz left our hero alone again in his
cell.

 
21
     
    Several days later the prosecuting
attorney paid the poor lad a visit. Elisha Barnes was that official’s name, and
he appeared to be a rather good-natured, indolent gentleman.
    “Well, son,” he said, “so you’re
about to discover that crime doesn’t pay. But, tell me, have you any money?”
    “Ninety dollars,” said Lem truthfully.
    “That’s very little, so I guess you’d
better plead guilty.”
    “But I’m innocent,” protested Lem . “Wu Fong…”
    “Stop,” interrupted Mr. Barnes,
hurriedly. He had turned pale on hearing the Chinaman’s name. “Take my advice
and don’t mention him around here.”
    “I’m innocent!” repeated Lem , a little desperately.
    “So was Christ,” said Mr. Barnes
with a