Accidental Leigh by Melanie James

blood?”
    I don’t know , I think the butchery takes place in a sterile plant or facility in Wisconsin or someplace, kosher. Besides, the whole idea of kosher meat is to get rid of the blood. It’s not like they save it to supply the local witchcraft covens or hobbyists, and even if they did, what am I supposed to say? Hi, I’m a newbie witch and I need some goose blood for a spell.”
    “Fine, we can go to the city park and shank some poor unsuspecting goose or we can call a butcher. While we are at it, we’ll see about cow’s tears. Maybe they cry before they sentence them to death.”
    Kelly and I were so busy with our snarky banter that we didn’t realize Lindsey had stumbled through the door. She had quietly listened in on our conversation, trying desperately to figure out what the fuck we were talking about. “Safeway. They sell goose livers. I’m pretty sure they are dripping with it.”
    “See. That’s why we love you , Lindsey. You’re always thinking. Well, when you’re not in the middle of a drunken orgy. Now, cow’s tears. Any suggestions?”
    “ Got it. All we have to do is go by the petting zoo that we had the students go to last year. Cows, bulls, calves, pigs, you name it. We’ll corner one of the cows and relate our lousy love lives to her. You can guarantee we will get sympathy tears.” Lindsey seemed to be on a roll with the answers. Maybe, she should be hung over more often.
    “With the exception of Leigh. Do you remember that roofer guy with the arms, Lindsey?”
    “Oh yeah. Very fuckable. And , Leigh, we noticed that you two snuck away from the party.”
    “First, I want to clear up a few things. We didn’t snea k anywhere. I announced loud and clear that Hunter was giving me a ride home. That’s all that happened until I needed to call him, so we could go back to your so-called party and save you from becoming the internet hand-job queen.”
    Lindsey was silenced. She didn’t remember! Time to pounce, strike fast and hard. Remember?
    “Oh yeah, Lindsey, you may not remember. Strip poker? Kelly were topless. You had one guy in front of you and he was down to his skivvies. I came in just in time as you were shamele ssly wrangling his snake free.”
    “ Hmmm, well then, I blame you, Leigh, you and your naughty little witchcraft. Kelly spilled the beans on what you’ve been up to and that’s precisely why I couldn’t wait to see what you were doing today. By the way, next time you want to magically hook me up, please remember something. I’m not as experienced at being a slut as some people.” She nodded to Kelly. “And dammit, make me sober next time, because I sure wish I could remember the whole snake part. I’ve got nothing. Was his package big? Small? Microscopic? These really are details a woman needs to remember, damn it!”
    Thankfully, good friends transcend complete and utter insults such as these and we had a good laugh. I couldn’t break it to Lindsey that her lewd conduct was completely of her own accord.
    We eventually made it into Kelly’s car and headed for the children’s petting zoo. The brightly painted little barns and animal shaped playground equipment reminded me of how nice it was not to be responsible for twenty five little hellions trying out novel ways to end up as plaintiffs in a personal injury lawsuit.
    We strolled in past a variety of foul smelling beasts , and Kelly made an observation in her typical fashion.
    “Oh God, can you imagine what it must have been like on Noah’ s Ark? Seriously. Forty days trapped in a floating barn full of seasick people and parasite ridden animals wading around in their own filth? I can barely stomach being around these things when they are supposedly cared for professionally.”
    “Yeah, I’m thinking you would have been one of the people listed as persona non grata , left to clamber up the last tall tree.” Lindsey remarked.
    “I don’t think those heels would help her much for tree climbing, anyway.”