Although Of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself by David Lipsky Page B

got is, what I’ve got is a serious fear of being a certain way. And a set I think of like, not real complicated, but
convictions
about why I’m continuing to do this. Why I’m gonna do this, why it’s worthwhile. Why it’s not just an exercise in basically getting my dick sucked. You know? This is the way to have Mom be proud of me, this is the way—you know what I mean? And this is a good tactic of yours, to get me a little pissed off. And then I’m gonna reveal more, I’m gonna be less guarded, but it’s sort of like …
    [He thinks—comes up with the
Harper’s
essays, which I told him I loved.]
    In those essays that you like in
Harper’s
, there’s a certain persona created, that’s a little stupider and schmuckier than I am. In person,like at these readings, I feel like my job is to be exactly as much of myself as I can be. Without looking, without
making
myself naked in front of people who might be mean to me. And I don’t pull an aw-shucks-regular-guy thing. It’s true that I want very much—I
treasure
my regular-guyness. I’ve started to think it’s my biggest asset as a writer. Is that I’m pretty much just like everybody else. But I don’t—you know, whatever. I’m not gonna say it again. I’m not doing a faux thing with you.
    And that’s why I don’t want to do this, week after week after week. Is if I could do a faux thing, this wouldn’t be any work.
    I’m sure you’ll shrug it off. Once this phase is done, when you’re back to writing. But the faux thing: isn’t what you just said an
example
of the faux thing? You don’t want to take the risk, the effect, of giving the full you?
    I don’t know whether you’re a very nice man or not. No—it’s very clear that you don’t believe a word of what I’ve said. And you think that’s part of the faux thing, in which case …
    What I mean is that a lot of stuff that I thought were weaknesses of mine turned out to be strengths. [Restaurant playlist: Lady Marmalade, “Voulez-vous Coucher.” I do, in fact, end up staying at Chez Wallace.] And one of them is that I am not, I’m not a particularly exceptional person. I think I’m a really good reader, and I’ve got a good ear. And I’m willing to work
really
really hard. But I’m more or less a regular person. And this was Streitfeld’s whole thing: “Are you normal, are you normal, are you normal?” To the extent that I think of myself as different from other people, then I’m not gonna be having a conversation with the reader. And so, the normal regular stuff is real precious to me. And maybe I
am
going around, like, “I
am
normal: Look, look! I am normal.” But I’m doing it for myself. And uh, I’m not—I don’t have the brain cells left to play any kind of game with you or do any kind of faux thing.

• • •
NEXT MORNING
WE’RE PACKING TO FLY TO CHICAGO
AND FROM THERE TO MINNEAPOLIS
IT’S DAVID’S LAST READING: THE END OF THE TOUR
IT’S ABOUT 6 A.M. I’M A WRECK. IT FEELS LIKE I’VE CLIMBED OUT
OF A STRANGER’S TRUNK IN A PARKING LOT BY THE AIRPORT
    [When I tell him I wake up without coffee but with cigarettes, he laughs.]
    Brothers of the lung.
    [Offers half his morning pastry]
    My Pop-Tart es su Pop-Tart.
    [Fortress of Solitude, trophy-case feel in guest room. All his books piled up together …
    Call to
Rolling Stone
, while David in the shower: alcohol problem rumors] “The feeling is, ‘It wouldn’t surprise anybody …’ Everybody thought the heroin thing. Gerry Howard was a little bit proud of his ‘writers with problems’ coterie. He sort of likes that sort of thing. He would be more than forthcoming with a little bit of massaging to give you whatever you needed. Bury it in other questions …
    “For example, ‘How was editing him; what do you think of his success; hey, what about the dope?’ He’s very forthcoming, perhaps to the point of making mistakes with his honesty. Tread lightly.”

• • •
BLOOMINGTON-NORMAL AIRPORT
ICEBOUND: