An Absolute Mess by Sidney Ayers Page A

finished the hem and reached over to retrieve the
portrait. “Hmm, why is it this painting resembles another one I
have seen before?”
    Jaylenne glared. “Whatever do you
mean?”
    “ Did we not take a
vacation this spring? To Cancunia?” Kianne grinned. “Your first
fling away from your parents?”
    And the reason she had not had her
Ceremony yet. Blasted paparazzi!
    “’ Twas dry brushed,”
Jaylenne said with a sigh, remembering the painting that circulated
across the kingdoms. She was holding a tankard of ale in each hand,
and another tankard was positioned in a similar strategic location
as the prince’s portrait. As if she would really drink something
that tasted like horse-piss.
    Blast those heathens
at Damsels Gone Wanton.
    She should really get a barrister and
sue their arses for slander. Her mind was made up. She would NOT
marry Prince Leonardo Von Absolute. Nothing anyone could say or do
would change her mind.
    * ~* ~*~ *
    “ I will marry Jaylenne
Spaulding.” Prince Leonardo Von Absolute said with a grin. “She
holds a tankard well.” He traced along the painting with the tip of
his finger.
    “ Your Highness, the royal
robe?” Huey Duckie, his trusty what-ever-it-was-he-was,
asked.
    Leonardo shook his head, delighting in
the feel of his luxurious gold flecked shoulder length tresses
flipping about his face.
    “ Harold, does this Jemima
Sparkles welcome my proposal?” He perused the beautiful image in
the mirror, flexing his biceps and quads. Damn, I’m one hot prince,
he thought. He wouldn’t hesitate to do himself if he were a woman.
He twitched his pectoral muscles up and down.
    “ Her surname is Feldspar,
Your Highness, and I’m Huey.”
    “ Feildspore? Sounds like
an infectious disease.” Leonardo wrinkled his beautiful patrician
nose. “With a name like that, she’ll be begging to be my wife.” He
looked down at his above-average-size dinghy. He was certain that
certain portion of his anatomy would sweeten the deal. He turned
and plopped upon the royal settee, allowing Sir Ding-A-Ling to flop
to his side. “Hubert, fetch me my chalice and call for the palace
portrait painter. I shall send Lady Jaybird Freespirit another
gift.”
    “ I will summon my brother
immediately.”
    “ Doofus is your brother?”
Leonardo asked, plopping a succulent grape into his perfectly
molded lips.
    “ Dewey, Your
Highness.”
    “ Doogie? Like the
physician child?” Leonardo scratched his head in confused thought.
He cursed the day his mother, the Queen, dropped him on his head.
It was only two weeks ago.

    “ No, Dewey, D-E-W-E-Y,
like the Dewey decimal system, a catalog system used by Earth
people to catalog library books.”
    Leonardo shrugged. “I don’t like to
read, unless it has pictures, if you know what I mean.”
    “ That’s too bad, Your
Highness.” Huey smiled. “I’ve been told Lady Jaylenne is an avid
reader.”
    “ Perhaps
I shall try and read.” He waltzed over to his bookshelf and pulled
out the first book he could find. And the author’s name was almost
similar, well the first name at least. “So is this War and Peace any
good?”
    Hughy—or was it Huey?—coughed. “It’s a
little above your reading level. He pulled another book from the
shelf—The Adventures of Dick and Jane. Did this guy really think he
was that dumb? If he did, then his plan had succeeded.
    “ I read Dork and June
already,” Leonardo said as he traced his perfectly manicured finger
across the row of books. “Oh, this looks interesting,” he said,
shaking the book in Huey’s duck-like face.
    Huey grabbed the book and gazed at the
cover. A scantily clad woman with bosoms popping out of her corset
was grabbing the white billowing shirt of a man, exposing a broad
muscled chest. He perused the inside. “This is a romance novel,
Your Highness.”
    Leonardo grinned. “If what’s inside is
as nice as that picture, I’m sure I’ll love it.” He wiggled his
eyebrows suggestively.
    “ There are