Avoiding Mr Right by Anita Heiss Page B

sure you'll
meet sometime down the track.' At that Shelley got up and
mimed, 'I'll give you some privacy,' and left the room.
    'So, are you missing James heaps?'
    'I've been really busy, but yes, I guess you could say I'm
missing him an adequate amount.'
    'You sound like a bloody politician, choosing your words
carefully like that. So,' she whispered, 'how's the celibacy
thing going?'
    'Piece of cake really, and when I want some, I actually go
and have a piece of cake, down on Acland Street.' I didn't
really want to talk about it.
    'Is James going to be celibate as well?' Dannie pressed.
    'To be honest, I don't care if he's not. This isn't about him,
it's about me. Anyway, can you expect a man to go without
sex for months on end, if he has it on offer elsewhere?'
    'Yes, of course. I'd expect George to go without sex if
I wasn't around for whatever reason. Anyway George is
pretty much celibate as it is and we sleep in the same bed.'
She laughed.
    'Why bother getting married if you're not going to have
sex every day at least? I thought getting married was about
not having to look for sex any more.'
    'Marriage isn't about sex.' Dannie tut-tutted me like I
was a child and looked around to make sure the kids couldn't
hear her.
    'Obviously not. Anyway, you're lying, Dannie. Aren't
you and George trying to have a baby? You're not Mary
Immaculate, so I'm guessing you're having sex – oh sorry,
when you're married, it's making lurrrrv , isn't it?'
    'You're so childish sometimes. And yes, we're kind of trying.'
    'What the hell does that mean? Kind of trying. Does he
say, "Can I kind of put my penis in you tonight love and
maybe kind of get you pregnant?" You know, like when
you're teenagers and the boy says, "If it doesn't go all the
way, it's not really sex"?'
    'Sssshhhhh, the kids will hear you.' Dannie looked
around nervously and covered the computer screen with her
body, as if blocking my face might drown out the sound.
She was right about a lack of privacy, and not even being
able to have a grown-up conversation with her kids around.
But she started it, so she was going to finish it.
    'Well?' It was my turn to be pushy.
    'Oh all right.' She leaned in as close as she could to the
screen and whispered, 'We tried recently when we both had
too much champagne at my sister's wedding and both of us
got nostalgic. But we're not having endless nights of passion,
if that's what you're thinking. When you get married you
can measure your passion in minutes, trust me.'
    I wanted to say, And there's another reason not to get
married – because it was a passion killer – but I wasn't game.
At least James and I had sex every time we saw each other.
    When I'd told the girls I was planning to be celibate
while I was down in Melbourne they'd shrieked so loud it
startled the kitchen staff at Sauce, who came running out
with utensils and wet hands and looks of horror on their
faces.
    'What's wrong?' Andy had asked.
    'Oh nothing, everything's fine,' Liza told him. 'Peta has
just taken a twelve-month vow of celibacy, that's all.'
    'That's a waste of a good woman, I'd say.' He winked at
me and walked off.
    'What are you talking about, celibate. Celibate my arse.'
Alice had laughed so hard she'd nearly pissed herself.
    'Muuuuuummmmmmm . . .' I heard a cry on Dannie's
side of the screen. I watched her push her chair back and yell
like I'd never have imagined her do, 'I'm coming upstairs
in five minutes and you two better have your homework
done.' She looked back at me. 'I've gotta go, but keep in
touch, okay? We all miss you. If you're not busy, let's have
a Skype session on Friday with Alice and Liza too – it'll
be fun.'
    'Sure thing, catch you then. Now go and do their
homework for them.'
    We logged out and I just sat staring at the screen for
a moment. Now that I lived in Melbourne, Dannie and I
seemed to be closer than we ever had been while I was in
Sydney – communicating via text and email