Beta Male by Iain Hollingshead

of one of Alan’s notepads and scribbling excitedly on them. ‘I have an idea,’ he explained. ‘I have a much better way ofnarrowing down the decision-making process. It’s based on something I said earlier, about Jess’s cooking abilities, intelligence and the attractiveness of her mother.’
    â€˜Categories?’ said Alan, perking up from his drunken slumber at the mention of his forceful fiancée’s name.
    â€˜Exactly,’ said Matt. ‘Now, let’s say that the score for the perfect girl adds up to a hundred.’
    â€˜What’s wrong with twenty-one?’ I said.
    â€˜Or forty-three and a half,’ sneered Ed. He’d lost interest in this game.
    â€˜A hundred,’ said Matt, firmly. ‘It’s simpler. But how do we get to that hundred? Of what components is that one hundred formed? Categories, that’s what. Attractiveness. Likeability of her siblings. Likeability of her friends. Intelligence. Kindness. Fun quotient. Ability to fit in with existing friendship group. Ability to make friends jealous. Suitability as a mother – ’
    â€˜I really like this,’ interrupted Alan. ‘It’s a quantifiable formalisation of the subconscious process by which all of us rate girls in any case.’
    Not you
, I thought.
You’ve never cared how much Jess fits into your existing friendship group.
    â€˜Oh, whatever,’ said Ed. ‘You guys are so immature.’
    â€˜And all the categories have sub-categories, of course,’ continued Matt. ‘Attractiveness can be divided into beauty and sex appeal. In fact, sexual abilities should probably have a category of their own – ’
    â€˜Tara was very good at sex,’ said Ed.
    â€˜It’s not an uninteresting scheme,’ I said. ‘But the really interesting thing is what weight you give to each of the categories. What does the balance look like?’
    â€˜Exactly,’ said Matt. ‘So let me kick the discussion off by suggesting a maximum of forty points for looks, ten for abilities in bed, ten for how her mother has turned out, twenty for intelligence and twenty for personality. Based on these scores, the perfect girl would add up to a hundred.’
    â€˜Why is it so important what her mother looks like?’ asked Alan.
    â€˜Because all girls turn into their mothers,’ I said. ‘Fortunately for you, Alan, few boys do.’
    â€˜Doesn’t personality include intelligence?’ asked Matt.
    â€˜What’s the point of them scoring forty for looks now, if they get zero for how they’re going to look in twenty years’ time when they turn into their mothers?’ asked Alan. ‘On that basis, a short-term fittie scores much better than a long-term beauty.’
    â€˜Then you keep on choosing short-term fitties,’ I said.
    â€˜Do they get minus points if they’re too intelligent?’
    â€˜What’s the point of going out with someone who scores ninety out of ninety, but is absolutely dreadful in bed?’
    â€˜Under this system, a delightful minger would score sixty, but a boring supermodel only forty.’
    â€˜Well, I’d rather marry a delightful minger than a boring supermodel.’
    â€˜What about compatibility, then?’
    â€˜That’s too subjective.’
    â€˜Surely any relationship is subjective.’
    â€˜Then what’s the point of scoring them objectively?’
    â€˜What about how old they are?’
    â€˜You know you’re getting old when you think someone’s attractive just because they’re younger than you.’
    â€˜Half your age plus seven, isn’t it?’
    â€˜Yes, Sam, but that’s a bare minimum not a target.’
    â€˜What about how easy-going and kind they are? Or how prone to moods? There’s no point going out with someone who’s up and down like a yoyo.’
    â€˜I very much like girls who are up and down like