Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir by Jen Lancaster

couch kitty would be fat indeed due to my genius idea earlier this summer.
    Right after the MNOW debacle, 42 I gave my millionth presentation to one of our public relations agency clients. And for the millionth time the twenty-four-year-old PR girls were too hungover to focus on my pitch. Clad entirely in black and accented by silver jewelry, this pack of anorexic ladies sat blank-faced and empty-headed in my meeting, completely oblivious to attempts to engage them in my investor relations presentation. 43
    “So, Meagan, Bethany, Kirsten, Sasha, Lynsey, and Monique, 44 do you all understand how using product X will satisfy your clients’ desire to reach the institutional investor?” I asked.
    “Oh, Meagan had to dash to the lav,” Bethany volunteered cheerfully. “She drank a whole pitcher of frozen sangria by herself at Uncle Julio’s last night and she was about to vom.” I rolled my eyes in exasperation.
    “Ewww, please don’t mention sangria or I’ll totally get sick, too. Casey and I hit dollar-beer night at Barleycorn’s and we totally—” began Lynsey.
    “Yes, I’m totally sorry to hear that,” I interjected. “Like I was saying, product X will—”
    “Um, excuse me?” Sasha with the Cleopatra-cut bangs interrupted.
    “Yes, Sasha?”
    “I just wanted to tell you I love your bracelets.”
    Like a pack of magpies, these girls were fascinated by small, shiny objects. They probably would have paid more attention to me if I came in flashing bits of my Nanny’s sterling tea set.
    “ Thank you. To continue, product X is key when your client needs to get—”
    “And your big lapel flower. It’s soooo Sex in the City !” Kirsten added.
    Why did I feel like I was trying to herd a pack of cats?
    “Great, thanks. AS I WAS SAYING—”
    “I love Sex in the City ! Carrie Bradshaw is my idol!” squealed Monique, her voice barely overpowering her Eternity perfume.
    “Me, too!” chorused the rest of the group, looking at one another under lashes darkened by a variety of Lancôme products.
    I hated these girls so very much. 45
    “If we could please get back on topic . PR professionals like you have found—”
    “I saw you arrive when I was outside smoking. Was that your husband who dropped you off?” Lynsey asked.
    “No, he’s my boyfriend. In regard to institutional investors—”
    Lynsey was undeterred. “He’s WAY adorable! He looks just like Ed Norton, only with darker hair!”
    “I guess he does a bit.” Personally, I always thought he looked more like Ron Livingston in Swingers . Something about his sardonic brows, or maybe the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles.
    Sasha asked, “Did you meet him here?”
    “No, we met in college.”
    It was all I could do to not stab each of them in the neck with the sharp end of my classic Chanel camellia brooch. I wasn’t there to chat about my personal life. I wanted to talk about investor relations! But if I yelled at them, they’d never buy anything from me.
    “How?”
    “Pardon?”
    “How did you meet him?”
    Incredulous, I asked, “Let me get this straight—you’d rather hear how I met my boyfriend than how these tools will make you more effective at your jobs? You’re more interested in a silly, embarrassing college story from seven years ago than learning how to best serve your clients?”
    “Yes!” “Definitely!” “Please!” Since any chance to educate them washed away after the third round at Barleycorn’s last night, I decided to humor them in an effort to build the relationship.
    “OK, it’s 1994 and we both got jobs at a bar and grille on campus. After the grand opening, a group of us went out together for a new employee bonding session. Everyone ended up at my apartment after the bars closed because I had a deck. Fletch, that’s his name, and no, he’s NOT named after the Chevy Chase movie,” I added, anticipating their next question, “made terrible martinis, drank too many of them, threw up in my shower, and