over from scratch. No family left alive. No money or friends. I stopped myself there. I wasn’t ready to go there yet. I didn’t want to like him. I scooted to the far edge of the bed and left enough space for Em. We didn’t have to say anything. It was understood. I didn’t want her to go. I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone right then. She kicked off her shoes and lay down beside me, pulling the cover up over us both.
“Do you love him?”
Emma blinked up at the ceiling. “Yes.”
“How much trouble will you be in for staying with me?”
She laughed a little. “My mom’s dating a cop now, remember? They’ll probably send a search party.”
“I meant with your boyfriend.”
“You can’t hate him forever,” she said. “He’s a part of my life now. He’s not going anywhere.”
I sighed. “I know that. But I’m not ready to like him, Em. Don’t ask me to.”
Emma lay silent beside me, her breaths causing her back to press against my side. She finally wiggled like she was uncomfortable and said, “What about me? Are you going to hate me forever?”
“I don’t hate you.” I turned over onto my side and tugged on a piece of her hair that was splayed across my pillow. It looked pale and shiny in the splash of moonlight coming through my window. So different from Anaya’s dark, silky braids. Wait…why was I thinking about Anaya again? I shut my eyes and sighed. “I love you too much to hate you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Enough to show me your boobs?” I grinned into the pillow when she elbowed me in the gut. The bed shook with our laughter. “Come on. Consider it my dying wish.”
“No!” Her smiled dimmed and I knew I’d screwed up by mentioning me dying again. “And you don’t get a dying wish, because I’m not letting you die. I’ll take care of you.”
“You’re always taking care of me,” I said. “Why?”
“Because you’re too stubborn to take care of yourself.” She smiled across the pillow at me and pulled the blanket up around her neck. “Now go to sleep, perv.”
“You going to stay?”
She patted my leg. “I’ll stay till you fall asleep.”
I stared at her fingers on my leg, and questions that had no place in my head bubbled to the surface. Questions I couldn’t ignore anymore. If I didn’t get them out, I was going to do something really stupid. Like kiss her. Words were going to work much better here.
“Can I ask you something without you getting pissed?” I asked, unable to stop myself from breathing in the scent of her hair all over my pillow. Asking her this could very well screw everything up between us beyond repair, but I had to know. If I didn’t I’d never be able to walk away from her. From the what might have been s. “Do you think you ever could have loved me if Finn hadn’t come along?”
She broke eye contact with me immediately, running her index finger over the pillow between us. “I already love you.”
I tugged her chin up. “You know what I mean, Em. Did any part of you ever wonder if we might end up together?”
Emma watched me silently for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip before finally saying, “Of course I could have loved you. But I’m with Finn now…I’m always going to be with Finn.”
I gritted my teeth and nodded. I didn’t really know what to say. Mostly because I didn’t know what I really wanted. I was so fucking confused my head hurt. All I knew for certain was that I wanted my best friend back. I didn’t feel like me without her. The other shit was just petty jealousy and noise. I needed to get the hell over it.
“Cash, you’re my best friend,” she pleaded. “Please don’t—”
“I know.” I closed my eyes. “I was just trying to… Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
I exhaled an achy breath, wondering if knowing was going to give me the closure I needed or just screw with my head even further. Instead of dwelling on it, I just said, “Good night, Em.”
I turned my
Douglas E. Schoen, Melik Kaylan