Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You by Erica Pike

pressed against my pillow.

    62 Erica Pike
    “Like what?”
    “Like a panther about to jump its prey.”
    “What, you grew eyes in the back of your head?”
    “I can feel you staring at me.”
    “I can’t help it,” I say, only to feel my heart lurch. I’ve done enough damage for one day.
    Jesse sighs again and turns his body towards mine. “Look, what happened today… it shouldn’t have, okay?”
    “Okay,” I answer. I could tease him. I could argue. I could defend the moment we shared, but I’m not going to because I would die if Jesse left me.
    He looks at me for a long time in the blue moonlight that pours through the window.
    “Look,” he says and sits up, the white sheet pooling down around his slim waist. The moon casts a prismatic sheen on his dark body. “It’s not…easy sharing a room with you.” He’s going to leave. My stomach clenches, my throat tightens, my chest aches. What can I say to make him stay?
    I must have revealed some of what I’m feeling on my face, because Jesse’s voice softens. “It’s just confusing, okay?”
    “Are you going to leave?” I ask, my voice nearly breaking at the last word. I swallow hard to keep the tears back. I didn’t think that saying it out loud would cut off my air like that. It feels as though the room is falling in on itself with me just waiting to be buried under the rubble.
    “Leave?” Jesse asks. He lies back down, propped up on one elbow. “No, I’m not going to leave. It’s just…I’m just very confused, you know?
    “Is that why you’ve been so distant the past few weeks?” I ask.
    “Have I been?” he asks, looking a bit baffled.
    Yes he has been. When we went to the movies last week he wasn’t really watching and he barely says a word when we play A Life Without You 63
    basketball. Something’s been weighing heavily on his mind and I want to know what it is…and yet I’m terrified to find out.
    “I’m sorry about that,” Jesse says with a defeated sigh. “It’s just that my head’s been spinning in these crazy circles. Especially since earlier today. I mean, I can’t deny that being with you does weird things to my head and body. I seriously don’t know what to make of it, whether it means I’m bi or what.” That’s what this has been about?
    “Why don’t you just not think about it?” I ask, a wave of relief washing through every vein in my body so much that I shudder. “Just don’t think in terms of gay, straight, or bi,” I add.
    “I can’t. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been taught that it’s boyand-girl, not boy-and-boy. When you’re near me, my rationality starts screaming that it’s all wrong, but everything else in me doesn’t agree.” Jesse sits up again and buries his head in his hands.
    “It’s just that I feel like my whole world’s been turned inside-out.
    I mean, I let you suck me off and I know it’s wrong, but it just felt so…so…argh, I can’t explain it. It’s so frustrating.” I have to clutch my hands on my pillow to keep steady.
    Doesn’t this sound like the struggles of a gay man? Bisexual , I mentally correct myself.
    “You have been sucked off before, right?” Jesse turns his head out of his hands and gives me an animated look of defiance. “Of course I have.” Then he exhales, his voice growing softer. “Just never like that.” I can’t help the corners of my lips from rising into a half smile. “You mean I’m better than your girlfriend?”
    “I didn’t say that. I –”
    “It’s only natural,” I interrupt before I turn his thoughts into more mush, even though I do love watching him squirm. “Don’t worry about it. I’m a guy, so it’s only natural that I know what guys like best, right? And I bet I have a lot more experience than she has.”
    Jesse stays quiet for a while, his eyes searching my face. He’s 64 Erica Pike
    so serious that I want to pull him into my bed and kiss him right there between those eyebrows.
    “Experience, yeah. Do you