Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina Page B

can usually detect when something is wrong. They can experience physiological changes—such as increases in blood pressure, heart rate, and stress hormones—just like adults. Some researchers claim they can assess the amount of fighting in a marriage simply by taking a 24-hour urine sample of the baby.
     
    Stress changes baby’s behavior
    The stress shows up behaviorally, too. Babies in emotionally unstable homes are much less able to positively respond to new stimuli, calm themselves, recover from stress—in short, regulate their own emotions. Even their little legs sometimes won’t develop properly, as stress hormones can interfere with bone mineralization. By the time these children are 4 years old, their stress hormone levels can be almost twice as high as children in emotionally stable homes.
    Babies and small children don’t always understand the content of a fight, but they are very aware that something is wrong.
    If marital hostility continues, the children are statistically more likely to display antisocial behavior and aggression when they enter school. They continue to have problems regulating their emotions, now made more difficult with the introduction of peer relationships.
They can’t focus their attention very well. They have very few tools for self-soothing. These kids have more health problems, particularly with coughs and colds, and are at greater risk for pediatric depression and anxiety disorders. Such children have IQs almost 8 points lower than children being raised in stable homes. Predictably, they don’t complete high school as often as their peers and attain lower academic achievement when they do.
    If we take the end point of this instability—divorce is a convenient target—we observe that kids are still paying for it years later. Children from divorced households are 25 percent more likely to abuse drugs by the time they are 14. They are more likely to get pregnant out of wedlock. They are twice as likely to get divorced themselves. In school, they get worse grades than children in stable households. And they are much less likely to receive support for college. When marriages stay together, 88 percent of college-bound kids will receive consistent support for their college education. When marriages fall apart, that figure shrinks to 29 percent.
    So much for Harvard.
    Even in an emotionally stable home, one without regular marital hostility, there will be fights. Fortunately, research shows that the amount of fighting couples do in front of their children is less damaging than the lack of reconciliation the kids observe. Many couples will fight in front of their children but reconcile in private. This skews a child’s perceptions, even at early ages, for the child always sees the wounding but never the bandaging. Parents who practice bandaging each other deliberately—and explicitly—after a fight allow their children to model both how to fight fair and how to make up.

The four biggest reasons you’ll fight
    Why will you fight? I mentioned four consistent sources of marital conflict in the transition to parenthood. Left to their own devices, all can profoundly influence the course of your marriage, and that makes
them capable of affecting your child’s developing brain. I’ll call them the Four Grapes of Wrath. They are:
    • sleep loss
    • social isolation
    • unequal workload
    • depression
    If you have a child, you are statistically likely to tramp on at least a few of these when your baby comes home. The battle begins in bed ... and no, it’s not about sex.
1. Sleep loss
    If you know new parents, ask them if this complaint from “Emily” sounds familiar:
    I am spiteful of my husband because he gets to sleep through the night. My daughter is 9 months old and still waking up 2-3 times per night. My husband sleeps right through, and then wakes up “so exhausted”. I have not had more than 5-6 hours of sleep per night in the last 10 months, have an annoying toddler and a