Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg Page A

important.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because it was the most explicit form of achievement. Today, we value amassing currency.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because it’s easier than invading a country. But in some ways it could be just as dangerous—if not more.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because there’s a finite amount of land. But currency expands exponentially.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Partly due to the nature of economy, but also because of some ill-conceived relationships between the developing world and economic organizations—the World Bank, the IMF. Look at Zimbabwe.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because it’s a good example of how inflation can ravage a country. People were literally taking wheelbarrows of cash to buy a loaf of bread.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because there was a power-hungry dictator promoting failed land reform policies.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because for so long it had been a white colony—Rhodesia—with generations of horrible disenfranchisement.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because there was a scramble for power. (Which goes back to what we were saying about the Mongols.)
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: It’s the nature of man. And, I guess, in some ways, I’m a victim of this unquenchable thirst for money.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Well, it’s easy to blame the “system”—capitalism, pioneer culture in the United States, what Chomsky called “economic fascism”—but it’s probably my own fault.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because I had opportunities to take a different path, but for some reason, I felt compelled to chase the elusive dollar. You know, I actually wanted to be a philosophy major.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: It’s totally corny, but as a teenager I loved Immanuel Kant.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: No one’s ever asked me that before, little guy. But I guess I loved how simple he made everything.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because Kant gave concrete answers to complicated problems and that was comforting.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because I had tons of questions about morality and ethics.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: You know, I haven’t talked about this in years, but I spentsome time in a juvenile detention center when I was twelve.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because they accused me of breaking into school in the middle of the night and setting one of the classrooms on fire.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because my parents reported me missing that night and the classroom that was set on fire was my math classroom. And it was the night after a big math test. So I seemed like the obvious suspect.
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because everything pointed to me. But I didn’t do it!
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because I didn’t care if I failed that test!
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because it’s not like if I got a bad grade on that math test, then I wouldn’t get into a good college and wouldn’t get a good job and I would die penniless and starving!
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Okay! I did it! I burned down that classroom!
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because I was panicked. And I was twelve ! I made a mistake!
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because I’m human! I’m fallible! I just wanted to be loved!
    MY NEPHEW: Why?
    ME: Because we live in this crazy world where we have tofight for every scrap, and I’m constantly scared that if I slow down, the world is just gonna pass me by. Everything moves so quickly, so chaotically, so uncaringly fast, threatening at all times to mow us down or overtake us. And so I speed up too! I join the rat race! I know it’s unhealthy, I know it’s wrong, but I can’t slow down! It’s why I burned down that school! It’s why I blame everything on the Mongols and the World Bank and the IMF and Robert Mugabe and Cecil Rhodes and Immanuel Kant and Freud and Maslow and Chomsky and your mother! But it’s me . It’s just me! That’s why I wanted you to strap in! I wanted you to strap in because I don’t trust myself to slow down enough to avoid an