Breathless by Kelly Martin

might be better than where I am.
    I’d rather be anywhere but here.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN
     
    Lucien
    H E WANTS ME TO FORGIVE HIM.
    I don’t know if I can.
    It’s not just the fact that he shot me in the stomach when something whispered in his ear. And he doesn’t trust me, but he trusts something that he doesn’t know… in a voice he doesn’t recognize… to shoot his brother. And he does it.
    It’s not just the fact that he took, or tried to take, Colleen from me.
    It isn’t even just the fact that he allowed Gracen Sullivan to turn into the Abomination and freakin’ fell in love with her, or that she’ll destroy us all.
    All of that is bad.
    All of that is crappy and terrible and things that I never want to happen again. In fact, a brain wipe of it all wouldn’t be a bad idea, if that were possible. I don’t know if it is. I’m sure the Abomination could do it if she wanted… I’m sure she can do a lot of things. I’m sure I don’t want to know what she can do.
    I’m sure of a lot of things.
    No, the real reason I can’t forgive my brother, who’s going hoarse from screaming at me in his little basement prison, is that I know it’s just an act.
    None of it is real.
    None of it.
    He isn’t sad about me or what he did to me or anything like that. He’s not even sad about Gracen, about what he did to her, about all the hell he put her aunt through. No he’s not upset about any of that. Nope, he’s upset because he got caught, because he can’t get away, because he wants to get his girl back… and he will say anything to make that happen. He wants me to let him out. I don’t blame him. I’d want him to let me out too.
    I also would want him not to shoot me.
    Oh and not hate or resent me because our mother loved me best.
    The door is as cold as the basement was when I lay the back of my head against it, put my hands in my pockets, and shut my eyes, all the while listening to Hart’s voice grow more and more hoarse.
    There were reasons Mother liked me best. Reasons I had no control over. I couldn’t control how obstinate Hart was to our mother. She’d ask him to do something, and he’d defy her nine out of ten times. Then he’d get mad if she became cross with him. And it isn’t my fault that she favored me more than him in the first place. I can’t control her. I can’t control anybody. If I could, I would’ve controlled Hart better—both then and now.
    Still, with all that, with everything that man has done to me both as a person and as a demon, I still jumped into Hell for him. I still love him more than anything else in this world. More than myself. More than our mother… or rather the thing she became. I don’t know if she tortured me in Hell like Hart seems to think. I do know that place has a way of making you see things you don’t want to see—maybe even things you do. I don’t know why I saw Gracen. Maybe because I felt guilty about her.
    Hart isn’t wrong. I could’ve killed her before. I should have. Tina ordered it. I talked her out of it.
    If I could just focus, if I could just make her see things my way, then she wouldn’t turn. I’d fight Hart, and boom, everything would be all right.
    Except, as we all know, none of that happened. None of it. I should’ve done my duty as an angel to protect the world… to protect Gracen. If I’d destroyed her then, she would’ve been rewarded in paradise. Now, her soul is gone. Gone into the Abyss, if I had my guess. And everything is wrong.
    Because I couldn’t do my job.
    Because I thought with my heart instead of my head.
    Instead of whatever else I had to do, whatever things I told myself.
    Truth be told, I never thought we’d lose. I always imagined we’d take Seth down, and the world would never know. Gracen would go on. The demon Hart would go to Hell. Seth would be cast out. I would be promoted… possibly into Tina’s spot because she would undoubtedly fill Seth’s vacant spot. Life would go on. People would never