Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict by Andy Griffiths

said Gran.
    â€˜Yes, the future present,’ said the Flicker triumphantly. ‘Which is now in our past, of course.’
    â€˜So I was born in our past future present,’ said Gran. ‘Now I’m even more confused than ever!’
    â€˜It doesn’t matter!’ said Eleanor, impatiently.
    â€˜It may not matter to you, young lady,’ said Gran, ‘but my birth matters a great deal to me!’
    â€˜I’m sorry,’ said Eleanor. ‘Your birth matters a great deal to me, too, it’s just that we’re running out of time. When did you last see the Great White Bum?’
    â€˜We were spat out of the brown hole right behind him,’ said Gran, ‘straight into the middle of a crowd of giant mutant zombie blowflies. Luckily they concealed our arrival and we were able to hide. We heard him talking to himself—ranting and raving about how he was going to get revenge and send the Great White Bumosaurs back through the brown hole to Bumageddonise the future Earth. We tracked him for as far as we could but then we got chased by an enormous hairy bum.’
    â€˜It was horrible,’ said the Flicker. ‘Took every towel I had to keep it at bay.’
    â€˜And every fork on my belt!’ said the Forker.
    â€˜Yes,’ nodded Gran. ‘It gave us a run for our money. But by the time we’d given it the shake we’d lost the Great White Bum’s trail.’
    â€˜We were trying to find the Great White Bum again when we were surrounded by stinkants,’ said the Forker. ‘They brought us here. We tried to escape but there were just too many of them. Then we had the idea of killing a stinkant and using its blood as paint to send you a warning about Bumageddon.’
    â€˜But how did you know we would see your message?’ said Zack. ‘It was deep underground in the Great Windy Desert. Ned Smelly only found it by sheer accident.’
    â€˜ “Accident” is just another word for fate, Zack,’ said Gran, suddenly reminding Zack of a witch in the dim gloom of the cave. ‘Don’t you remember telling what the Blind Bum-feeler predicted? She said that you will free not just the world, but the entire univarse from the scourge of bums past, present AND future!’
    The words struck Zack like a triple lightning bolt. ‘I know that’s what she said,’ said Zack slowly. ‘But what does “past, present and future” mean, exactly?’
    â€˜Oh that’s easy,’ said the Flicker. ‘Let me explain . . .’
    â€˜No!’ said Eleanor. ‘Not now. Something’s coming. Play dead! And switch off the torch!’

CHAPTER 39
REUNITED
    T he bum-fighters dropped to the ground.
    They could hear scuffling and shouting coming from the passage outside.
    â€˜Put me down!’ yelled a shrill voice. ‘Put me down!’
    Zack smiled. ‘That’s my bum!’ he said.
    â€˜Shhh!’ hissed Eleanor.
    â€˜Wait until my owner finds out about this!’ Zack’s bum said. ‘He’ll tear this nest apart looking for me. And when he finds me he’ll rip you to pieces!’
    Zack heard a loud thud.
    And then another.
    â€˜Ouch!’ said his bum.
    â€˜Oof!’ said a voice that Zack recognised as Ned’s.
    The bum-fighters listened as the scuttling receded back up the passage.
    â€˜You can run, but you can’t hide!’ yelled Zack’s bum fiercely. ‘You’ll be sorry you ever messed with Zack Freeman’s bum!’
    â€˜Steady on there,’ said Ned. ‘I hate to be a party pooper, but a typical stinkant colony can consist of up to 200,000 stinkants and can have anywhere between 10,000 and 20,000 food and egg chambers. Even if we could locate Zack and Eleanor—which is highly unlikely—it wouldn’t be enough. It would take a small army of bum-fighters to fight our way out of here.’
    â€˜Which is exactly what we