Calamity Jayne Rides Again by Kathleen Bacus

mini-freeze to see Uncle Frank rubbing the back of his neck and addressing the tiny Mr. Li, flanked by his twin
     sons, Tai and Chai. I never can tell the two apart.
    "I told you, Mr. Li, I have no plans to sell," Uncle Frank repeated. "No selly the ice cream business."
    Mr. Li's head bobbed up and down. "Right. Right. No selly the ice cream anymore. Retire. Enjoy wife. Play golf."
    "I don't play golf," Uncle Frank said, appearing more perturbed by the second. "And I enjoy my wife as much as the next guy."
    I winced, glad Aunt Reggie wasn't around to hear the way that one came out.
    "You old. You retire. Son no want selly the ice cream. Frankie no like. Frankie leave because no want to selly the ice cream
     anymore."
    "Just a cotton-pickin' minute there," Uncle Frank growled. "What makes you the authority on what my son does or doesn't like?
     And I'm not old!"
    Seeing the two men were drawing an interested crowd, I hurried over. "Uh, I think there's been a misunderstanding here, gentlemen,"
     I said, inserting myself in between the heavy bulk of my Uncle Frank and the diminutive but wiry physique of Mr. Li. "Now,
     it has been my experience most disagreements can be resolved by unemotional, well-reasoned, and clearly articulated dialogue,"
     I said, remembering the catchphrases from a past episode of my main man, Dr. Phil. Or was that Dr. Laura? I shrugged. "As
     calm, rational individuals who respect and value the opinions of others, we should be able to find a common ground for discussion
     and mediation of our conflicts," I said, figuring I'd earned As on both style and presentation.
    Uncle Frank and Mr. Li both looked at me as if I'd suggested we all drop our drawers and jump into the bubbling hot tub on
     display at the Varied Industries building au naturelle.
    "So, what say you, gentlemen?" I asked, in my most grown-up, adult voice. "Who will be the better man?"
    "She's the one!" Mr. Li suddenly screamed and began hopping up and down again. "Calamity Jayne! She say you sell. She say
     Uncle Frank not happy. She the one.
    No more egg rolls. Calamity Jayne takey egg rolls under false pretenses!"
    I stared at Uncle Frank's fellow concessionaire in shock. "Why, you, you, you fibber!" I said. "You forced those grease-filled
     egg rolls on me. I was merely being polite by eating them."
    "All six of them? Ha, ha, ha, real polite."
    "Why, you little—"
    The Li twins stepped forward in defense of their father.
    "Is there a problem here, folks?" Hunky trooper P. D. Dawkins, this time with a female partner in tow, stepped into the fray.
     "Anything I should know about?" he asked me in particular.
    Uncle Frank shook his head. "Just a simple misunderstanding," he said. "Nothing that can't be resolved through 'well-reasoned
     and clearly articulated dialogue,' " he said. "Right, Li?"
    I was so proud in that moment. Something I'd said had made a real impact on these two gentlemen. I looked at Mr. Li for confirmation
     and agreement.
    "Screw you!" he said, and stomped off. Tai and Chai, or was it Chai and Tai, gave me dual dirty looks before following.
    Well, one out of two wasn't bad.
    I retrieved my keys and used Uncle Frank's cell phone to call Mom and assure her I was on my way to relieve Taylor just in
     case Taylor called all bent out of shape and they sent the posse out looking for me.
    How can I describe Taylor? She's way smarter than I am. (Oh, I see. You'd imagined that, already? Nice.) She's also tons more
     diplomatic than I am, but I'm really working on it. Hey, remember my attempt at mediation between Uncle Frank and Mr. Li?
     That was almost a success story.
    Taylor is brilliant, beautiful, and level-headed. But she has no sense of humor and, as a result, is not a laugh riot to be
     around. I suddenly recalled Trooper Dawkins's comment about Taylor having so much fun with Ranger Rick and hesitated in my
     trek up the hill to the Emporium. Maybe it was just around me that Taylor's sense of humor eroded. Maybe, I told