Coco Pinchard's Big Fat Tipsy Wedding: A Funny Feel-Good Romantic Comedy by Robert Bryndza

and she won't question me too much…’ There was another long pause.  
    'Coco. I just quit my job,' she said.
    ‘What? As a teacher?!’
    ‘What other job do I do?’
    'What are you going to do?' I said. 'You just got a mortgage and the teachers pension scheme is final salary.’
    'Okay you’re not helping. I don't know what I’m going to do,' she said. 'What I do know is I can't be a teacher anymore. More importantly, my mother can’t know about it until I work out a solution.’
    'What happened?' I said.
    'It all went wrong when I slept with that OFSTED Inspector.’  
    'Well, to be fair you didn't know he was going to be inspecting your school, he was just a bloke in a bar.'
    'Exactly, but the Headmistress is blaming me for the school getting a bad result. Then on the last day of term, I put a movie on for the students. Ghost, with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze,'
    'That’s a nice film,’ I said.
      'Yes… During the pottery wheel scene the Headmistress stormed into the classroom, and turned it off saying it was pornographic. She then accused me, in front of the students, of being depraved with loose morals.'
    'Don't you teach seventeen year olds?'
    ‘Something inside me snapped. I told her to stick her job up her fat fanny and I stormed out.'
    'What did the kids do?'
    'I heard them clapping and cheering as I walked out of the fire exit. I then got in my car and drove home.’
    ‘I’m so sorry hun,’ I said.
      ‘I just want a nice Christmas Coco,' she said. 'My mother is like a mind reader. Having you and Ethel there will distract her, please.’ I paused to think.
    ‘If bringing Ethel will give you a nice Christmas, then fine, but I’ve warned you.’

    I am cursing myself for answering Tony’s phone call this morning. If I’d just kept my phone off for a few hours, I’d have been away with Marika and home free.

    Wednesday 22nd December   15.47
    TO: [email protected]

    I picked up Marika at ten, then we drove on to The Aspidistra Sheltered Housing in Catford. Ethel was waiting outside in the blizzard. Marika jumped out and helped her in beside me.
    'Ello sweethearts,' she said. ‘And little Rocco too… Thanks Marika love for ‘avin me, and you Coco for drivin’ ’
    I exchanged a glance with Marika, she seemed to be on her best behaviour.  
    ‘Ooh, I like yer car Coco, what is it?’ said Ethel.
    ‘A Land Cruiser,’ I said.  
    ‘Must ave set you back a few bob,’ she said stroking the leather seat as Marika helped her with the seatbelt. ‘To think you could buy this from writing your books!’  
    I rolled my eyes; twelve seconds was all it took for the first barbed comment.
    ‘Sorry to hear about Meryl,’ said Marika changing the subject.
    ‘Oh she’s overdone it again,' said Ethel dismissively. 'I used to ‘ave to sedate ‘er meself when she was little an she wouldn’t stop cleaning ‘er Doll’s House. A little nip of brandy in ‘er rice pudding used to do it.’  
    I drove off into the snow.
    ‘Ooh!’ said Ethel. ‘Ooh what was that?’
    ‘I just put the heated seat on for you,’ I said.
    ‘Thank gawd for that. I thought I’d pissed meself!’ she cackled. Her laugh was like ragged fingernails being dragged down a blackboard.  
    We crept along the motorway, which was reduced to a whirling white mass, and got to the Channel Tunnel car train at 3pm. We're just in a line of traffic waiting to drive up the ramp. Nevertheless, we are all in good spirits and Christmas in another country has an air of excitement about it. Maybe, just maybe this trip could be fun after all.

    Thursday 23rd December   10.44  
    TO: [email protected]

    We’re just on the outskirts of Bratislava. When we emerged from the Channel tunnel I took the first leg, driving through France and Belgium. Marika swapped in lay-by outside Frankfurt, and drove until around seven this morning when we crossed the border into Slovakia. Ethel has been strangely quiet. I think she's a