Confessions of an Ex-Girlfriend by Lynda Curnyn

“And that doesn’t happen too often.”
    Jade had a point. If there was one thing I knew, it was that in a city this large, where any sort of interaction with the opposite sex is swallowed up by the rush of time or traffic or whatever it is that keeps people from their mating rituals, one meaningful evening with a man constituted a serious beginning to something. Which was why losing Derrick, after two years of sharing everything from soulful conversation to toothbrushes, was something just short of disaster.
    â€œThey’re all heartless bastards,” I chimed in.
    â€œYeah, well, if I ever hope to have sex again, I have to figureout how to keep one of those heartless bastards around long enough.”
    â€œMaybe you’re focusing too hard on the end result, Jade,” Alyssa said. “Maybe you should take a more Zen-like approach to this whole dating thing.”
    â€œEasy for you to say when you have a live-in boy toy,” Jade said, though it was hard to envision Richard as a boy toy in his dark suits and tasseled loafers. Don’t get me wrong—with his chiseled good looks and tall, athletic build he was quite delectable. But Richard was the kind of man women fantasized about marching down the aisle with, not swinging from a rope in the Tarzan room of the Fantasy Land Motel. Then again, Jade did like to say I lacked vision when it came to men.
    â€œThe grass is always greener,” Alyssa said, dropping her gaze.
    â€œOh?” Jade countered, warming to the subject. “Let’s see about that. It’s been six weeks and four days since I last had sex—and I’m not counting Carl, because I’m talking penetration here. When was the last time you and Richard did it? And if you say last night, I will be forced to be envious.”
    Still regarding her glass, Alyssa replied, “Three months ago.”
    â€œWhat?” Jade and I said in unison.
    Alyssa looked up at us and sighed. “Well, that’s not exactly true. We did have sex about three weeks ago, but it was the kind of effort that’s better left unmentioned. All mechanics, no emotions. As if we’re just blowing off some steam after a hard day at work.”
    â€œWhat’s going on with you guys?” Jade asked.
    â€œI don’t know. Everything has just been…different between us the past few months. As if we’re only going through the motions of a relationship.”
    â€œMaybe you’re just in a rut,” I said, desperate to find any reason why things had suddenly gone astray for the last two people in the world I was sure were Meant-to-Be. “I mean, isn’t Richard trying to make partner? He’s got to be under enormous pressure at work. And you’ve been working on that class action suit for quite some time….”
    â€œMaybe.” Alyssa sighed. “But it’s like we don’t really even see each other anymore. I feel more like a roommate. The girl he shares the laundry hamper with.”
    â€œYou just gotta shake things up,” Jade said. “Do something to remind him that he’s living with a beautiful, intelligent woman who any guy would snatch up.” Then she arched her brows as sudden inspiration hit. “What you need is some serious competition to suddenly show up, give old Richard a run for his money.”
    Alyssa immediately glanced at me with a guilty smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back, thinking of her vet and imagining how a man who probably spent a good deal of his day dodging dog feces was going to give Richard, a successful corporate lawyer who could probably eat him for lunch, a run for his money.
    â€œWhat’s going on?” Jade asked, suspicious.
    I looked at Alyssa, leaving the confession to her.
    â€œWell…the truth is…I have met someone else.”
    â€œYou’re kidding,” Jade said, and I had a feeling she was wondering, as I had, how Alyssa always managed