Crush by Laura Susan Johnson Page B

I don’t know… no…probably not…
There’s no way for Jamie and I…not in this town…
Not in this life…
Best to just leave it alone…
That afternoon in myroom after the beating is just the start. I find myself in tears at odd moments as mysenior year draws to a close. I’m sad…lonely…I don’t bother asking anybodyto the prom. I turn down three or four invitations from generic tarts I care nothing about.
I keep hoping, in spite of myself, that his definitive sweetness will resurface, that he’ll smile and make my insides tighten and melt the wayI secretlylove.
But he doesn’t. He’s cold. Aloof. Subdued. And the sadness I’ve always sensed in him is amplified.
At The End, a few nights before graduation, I spy him sitting at a table with Stacy. He doesn’t sing that night. He’s doesn’t even talk. He’s just sitting there, in self-imposed exile, and it chews at me. My eyes catch Stacy’s and I see a concern there that mirrors myown. I pull her aside. “Is he alright?”
She observes me steadilybefore replying, “He will be.”
“Get him up there and sing something. Maybe it’ll help.”
Still looking at me strangely, she shrugs, then goes over to their table. Jamie only shakes his head listlessly. “He doesn’t want to.”
Frustration leaps inside of me. “It might cheer him up.”
“Why are you so worried?” she challenges, and just a hint of a grin twitches across her face.
I think she’s on to me.
I leave The End as hastilyas I can.

chapter eight: jamie (graduation night)
    On the last night of school, my resolve not to let Tammy into my heart goes sailing out the window. Ray invites just the few of us to party and swim in his parents’ pool. He invites Stacy and I, strictly to piss off Lard-Ash, who brings her furloughed husband and makes out with him in front of everyone. Stacywears her blue bikini. I wear a t-shirt and tan cut-offs, even though I don’t intend to
swim.There’s a lot of food, thanks to Ray’s mom, who’s bought
    bags and bags of chips, along with dips, candy, and a great big graduation cake for Ray, Tammy, and Yvette (even though LardAsh didn’t get to officially graduate and is still at least two months from getting her GED). I look around, wishing theyhad red licorice among all the snacks and candies. Ray’s dad loves to bar-be-que, so he fires the old thing up and cooks hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken and tri-tip. The evening is mild, balmy, a little muggy. The aroma of savorymeat makes our stomachs rumble.
    It’s the perfect evening on the brink of summer. I’m so pleased to be here that I can almost tryto forget that soon Tammy will be leaving Sommerville behind him.
    He helps Benny smuggle alcohol in, and we drink beer and wine coolers and sign each other’s yearbooks. When Ray and Stacy are done signing Tammy’s, I take it, making sure he’s turned away, and write,
Dear Tammy, thank you for being my friend, Jamie Pearce.
    I wish he’d ask to sign mine.
There’s no girlfriend in sight tonight. I watch how Tammy’s wet red cut-off tweed shorts cling to his penis, beautiful and semierect from the cold, bouncing, in spectacular slow motion, as he springs off the diving board. Ahot flash engulfs me.
Abruptly, Ray and Benny grab me by my hands and feet and throw me in. As the water closes over me, I hear Stacy scream, “You assholes! He can’t swim!”
Someone grabs me from below and pulls me back up to the surface. It’s Tammy. As I hold onto him, I blow the hot, burning water out of mysinuses.
“You okay?” he asks.
“No!” I sputter, perturbed and electrified by the fact that he’s holding me, that his arms are around me, that my cheek is brushing his chest, that his arms are under myknees…
That he’s holding me…in his arms....
“You asswipes!” I scream at Rayand Benny, who are already scampering back over to the chips and dips.
“I’ll teach you to swim,” Tammy smiles, bouncing me playfully.
Every sound around us is suddenly muted,