Dearest Rose by Rowan Coleman

Frasier again.
    Her heart raced, interrupting her moment of calm as she thought of him, of the enormous gamble she had taken coming here, deciding to look for him. She knew Shona thought she was crazy, staking everything she had on what was nothing more than a dream and a postcard, but what Shona didn’t really understand was that just being here, just taking this step, this giant leap that broke her away from the prison of her old life, was all that really mattered now. Looking for Frasier was much more important to her than finding him, and although the idea of seeing him again, the fantasy that he might be pleased to see her too, was so compelling, Rose allowed herself to think only from moment to moment. There was no possible future that she had the ability to picture at that precise moment in her life, and not knowing what was going to happen next was as exciting and exhilarating as it was terrifying.
    As for seeing her father again, Rose had decided that she had to go, but she had no idea how she felt about the prospect of facing him. Her heart felt numb whenever she thought of him. She couldn’t imagine how he would look now, how it would feel to see him after so many years, what it would be like to look into his face and see how he felt about seeing her. It was like knowing you were going to walk through a door but being unable to comprehend what might lie behind it.
    After giving it some thought, Rose had decided not to wait for Shona to arrive before making the short drive to her father’s cottage. It would mean wasting another precious day before Richard found her and, besides, Shona had this curious effect on her life, reflecting back a true image of herself, of the way things really were, that Rose rarely enjoyed looking at. Shona was the one adult in her life who never lied to Rose, who was always straight with her. If Shona said something was wrong or insane or deeply misguided, then Rose knew she was right. Rose didn’t want that lens focused on her too closely on the day she first set eyes on her father again. It had been a brief, chance encounter with Shona years before they truly found each other that had made Rose see her marriage for what it was for the first time, an unveiling that Rose would have been content to live without.
    Rose was twenty-three and had been a married woman for five years. She was walking back from her daily trip to the supermarket a little later than usual, and was almost home when she’d bumped into Shona, walking down the road where Rose lived, underdressed for the freezing weather in a flimsy cotton jacket. And heavily pregnant.
    Panicking at the sight of her former friend, Rose ducked her head down, hoping to make it past the other woman without being spotted. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to Shona, it was more that she had no idea what she would say to her.
    ‘Babe? Rose, babe, it is you!’ Shona stopped her by putting a hand on her arm. ‘Rose, fuck me, I’ve been wondering about what happened to you since you left Harley’s. You disappeared! What happened to you? One minute you were there, next you were gone.’
    Rose caught her breath as Shona hugged her, slapping her on the back for good measure when she finally released Rose from her grip.
    ‘Hello, Shona,’ Rose said quietly. ‘It’s good to see you. You haven’t changed, well, apart from the obvious.’
    ‘This fucking thing?’ Shona laughed, hugging her belly. ‘I know, it’s nuts, right? I wasn’t planning on kids just yet, but I’ve met this bloke. The father, fuck, Rose. He’s perfect. He loves me so much, and I just know he’s going to be a brilliant dad. I’m so happy!’
    Shona squealed and hugged Rose again with sheer joy, which Rose felt radiating through her bones. It was an unfamiliar sensation.
    ‘Listen to me, I haven’t let you get a word in. So, what have you been up to?’
    ‘Me? I got married! Have been for five years,’ Rose smiled, trying to emulate a little of