Diary of a Dieter by Marie Coulson Page B

with my foot, and I was almost certain I heard something squeak.
    “How was what? It’s only a cat, Charlene. Give a stroke, stuff it now and again, and it purrs for hours just like any other pussy.”
    I cringed. My Gran was the most crass creature you could ever meet, but she was usually right on the ball. I used to tell my friends that she behaved this way because she was senile, ‘til she overheard me one day and decided to call my bluff. She waltzed down our living room stairs in her knickers and began loudly singing show tunes. My mother almost had a heart attack when she started a chorus of “I’m too sexy.”
    “I see Jacob was keen to get out. You were letting him out, weren’t you, Gran?” I asked, knowing the answer.
    “Letting him out? Do I look like his concierge? I left the window open, and if he’s too lazy to jump, that’s his problem. Pushy, posh, pompous, pissed off pussy.”
    I rolled my eyes and began gathering up the debris that was scattered across the apartment.
    “Well, thanks anyway.”
    Hoisting her arse from the sofa, she waddled over to my phone.
    “Thank you nothing. Four days, cable TV, food, drink, and a vibrator—I never had to leave the house! Bliss.”
    A little vomit made its way up my throat and I had to force myself not to be violently sick. A vibrator? Surly she …
    I stared at my couch in horror. Yes, she probably did, and I would now be sterilising my entire apartment as though Brad and I had been having sex all over it. He really was a freak of nature with his severe germ phobia.
    “Well, that’s my cab ordered. I take it you had an enlightening break?” Pulling her cardigan around her, she gave me an inquisitive smile.
    “It was eye opening. I spent a lot of time with Adam, and that was definitely what I needed.”
    She grinned wildly. “Ah, so the doctor finally gave you that physical you’ve been needing, eh? Did he show you his equipment? Good, was it? I bet he’s a right horny little bugger. The quiet ones are usually the best. They don’t say much, but they screw you so hard that you feel like you’ve been hit by a bus right between your thighs.”
    “Gran! No, he didn’t. God, for the last time, Adam is my best friend, and that’s as far as it will ever go.”
    Huffing, she shook her head at me. “You poor, naive, under-sexed, and overly cautious girl. You really are as blind as a beggar. There’s a perfectly good specimen of a man hanging around you like a puppy, and there’s you acting like a bitch in heat and ignoring the dog that’s been dry humping your leg for years. And they say I’m senile.”
    I sighed and ran my hands over my face. Gran had always been convinced that I should end up with Adam. The truth was, she had always liked him, and as he got older, she would often comment on his striking good looks. Though I struggled to see what it was she saw in him, it became her mission to get the two of us shacked up and shagging. I had come to the conclusion that the old bag was living vicariously through me. But Adam was my friend, and there was no force on Earth that was going to change that. Boyfriends, girlfriends, and a fiancé had passed between us, but our bond was the strongest relationship either of us had ever had.
    After seeing her downstairs and safely into her cab, I returned to my empty apartment and threw a sheet over my sofa before slumping down onto it. Jacob had snuck in while I was cramming Gran into the car and was now snuggled happily beside me. Lifting him up and onto my lap, I groaned.
    “Seems I’m not the only one who needs a diet, fat boy. I hope you’re ready for this. We, my little munchkin, are going to get fit, healthy, and laid. Well, I’m sure you have no trouble with the ladies, stud—if that God awful screeching outside my window every evening is any indication. Just don’t expect me to be happy when some little queen turns up with ten kittens. I’m not feeding your mistakes.”
    Looking up at me, he