Diary of an Ugly Duckling by Karyn Langhorne Page A

Her
    looks were ruining—had ruined—her life. She was
    the original ugly girl . . . ugly enough to give lessons
    in it.
    Pretty Up , the words echoed in her brain, pulsing
    toward a moment of decision. Pretty Up . . . but not
    just with a new outfit, and some over-the-counter
    beauty consultant comestics. But Pretty Way Up , dra-
    matically, drastically, permanently.
    Because her mother and Penny Bradshaw weren’t
    wrong. For all the platitudes the ugly girls of the
    world were asked to live with, accept, embody, the
    girl wasn’t wrong. It didn’t matter how smart you
    were, how funny, how great a person—the package
    was the deciding factor when it came to the opposite
    sex, and even this child’s own father, who for just a
    second, Audra had thought might be just a little dif-
    ferent, had turned out to be a full-fledged member
    of the club.
    Her own father was certainly a member, too—if
    that’s who the man who had raised her until she
    was nine really was.
    The gauzy, hazy light from another dawn filled
    the bedroom. The last of Beautify! Network’s make-
    overs surrendered to fresh programming focusing
    on home décor, and Audra flipped the channels list-
    lessly. In another couple of hours, the apartment
    DIARY OF AN UGLY DUCKLING
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    would come to life, and her mother would bustle out
    of the door for sixteen hours at the salon, pretending
    once again that nothing was wrong between them—
    nothing except that Audra needed to Pretty Up!
    Kiana would need care. There would be things to
    clean, errands to run . . . Audra saw her life stretch
    hopelessly out in front of her: predictable and safe
    and entirely alone.
    Ugly Duckling . . .
    The commercial raced around her brain, its pitch
    resonating in her mind. What would it be like to be
    totally transformed, to see yourself remade, not just
    in new clothes and fresh makeup—how many times
    had she tried that, only to be disappointed—but re-
    shaped from the bones outward? What would it be
    like to look in the mirror and find, not fat, black and
    ugly, but something lovely and desirable. What did
    it feel like to glance in the mirror and find a reflec-
    tion like a movie star’s, like Esmeralda Prince’s, like
    Petra’s? Could it be as close as a telephone call? As
    close as 1-888 UGLY DUCK . . .
    But I can’t do that. I couldn’t possibly call some reality
    television show , Audra thought, flipping down the
    dial toward Classic Movies Channel. I couldn’t possi-
    bly call . . .
    Why not ? another voice in her brain answered.
    Nothing else has worked.
    I don’t have time. The deadline is Monday —
    And you’re off , the other voice in her head re-
    minded her. You’re on administrative leave, indefi-
    nitely, thanks to Princeton Haines, remember?
    I don’t have a camera—
    But at the same instant she remembered something
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    Karyn Langhorne
    Darlene Fuchs had said, drunk as a skunk at that re-
    tirement party. Something about a place in Green-
    wich Village. A place where they help actors make
    audition tapes . . .
    I couldn’t , Audra told the voice again. I’m no actor —
    Fine then , the insistent voice challenged. Do noth-
    ing. Let your perfect guy date some boring, selfish
    woman just because of her outside packaging. Sure, you
    could change your own package and find happiness . . .
    but no. You can’t. You won’t . . .
    And again she saw the look on Art Bradshaw’s
    handsome face as his eyes followed Esmeralda
    Prince into the ladies’ room and beyond. He’d never
    looked at Audra like that . . . In fact, when she really
    thought about it, he’d never looked at her much at
    all if he could help it.
    Not mine . . . Ain’t no way I could have a child as black
    and ugly as that . . .
    Maybe . . .
    This is madness , Audra told herself firmly, shaking
    the idea and the insistent, challenging voice egging
    her onward from her mind and focusing on the TV
    instead. A movie was starting as Audra resettled
    herself under her comforter