Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories by Pat Flynn

thing’ she’s talking about is, Ashleigh takes me by the shoulders and kisses me on the lips. It’s soft and slow, and she tastes like a mixture of frozen Coke, popcorn, carpet and girl. My head goes all light like it did at Simon’s birthday party when I sucked in way too much helium. It feels like I’m acting in my own movie and for once I’m not the stuntman or the weird-looking funny guy. I’m the star.
    Her mum pulls up.
    â€˜See you on Monday, Tone.’
    A smile lights up her face and my insides.
    â€˜Yeah, see ya.’
    I look over at Kane, hoping he saw what just happened. I need a witness because I can hardly believe it myself. He wanders over.
    â€˜You see that?’ I say.
    â€˜See what?’
    â€˜Me and Ashleigh. Kissing.’
    â€˜Think you’re dreaming, Ross.’
    â€˜No, we did! She reached over and …’
    Kane smiles. ‘Yeah, I saw it. It’s about time, too. I’ve been pashing girls for ages.’
    I remember something. ‘Hey. Why’d you throw those Maltesers at me?’
    â€˜I didn’t. It was Lacey. I think she’s jealous.’
    â€˜Really? Lacey likes me?’
    I look in her direction. Lacey may be Kane’s little sister but she’s pretty cute. She’s also good at throwing things.
    â€˜Yeah,’ says Kane. ‘She wants to kissy kissy you.’ He smooches the air and chuckles. Lacey gives us the evil eye. ‘Talking about kissing,’ says Kane, ‘I remember pashing Ash last Friday night in this very spot. Just think, when you kiss her, it’s like you’re kissing me as well.’
    â€˜That’s disgusting.’
    â€˜Not for me ’cause I got in first. But it is for you.’
    I know he’s just trying to mess with my head, but the thing is, it’s working. The last thing I need running through my mind while I’m kissing Ashleigh is the thought that I’m kissing some bloke, especially after the movie incident.
    I need to do something about this right now or I’ll never be able to kiss Ash again, and that would be a tragedy worse than Romeo and Juliana.
    I reach over and smack Kane right on the kisser.
    Not with my fist. With my lips.
    He’s shocked for a second, then chucks me hard to the ground. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’
    I force myself to my feet. ‘Just getting even.’
    Actually, I was just following my favourite rule. As a matter of fact, it’s my only rule besides ‘when in trouble, get amnesia’. The only way to make myself stop thinking about something disgusting is to go ahead and do it. It’s a lesson I learnt when I kept having nightmares about wetting my pants in primary school. After I tried it, the nightmares stopped.
    Kane squints at me for a second and I think he’s gonna pop me one. I’ve seen that look on his face a few times and it’s as scary as a dark alley.
    â€˜I should kill you,’ he snarls. ‘But ’cause we go way back, I’m only gonna hurt you. Where do you want it? Face or gut.’
    I wipe Kane’s filthy germs off my mouth. ‘Gut.’
    Ash mightn’t like me as much with a mangled head.
    He gives me his best shot and I sink to one knee, coughing up something dark and green. It looks like a frog that’s been through a blender. My stomach feels like it has, too.
    He walks off, then turns. ‘I still want that five bucks, you know.’
    I look up but don’t say anything. Can’t. We both know I’m not going to give it to him, anyway.
    Mum pulls up and I fall into the front seat.
    â€˜How was your night?’ she asks.
    â€˜Awesome,’ I groan.
    â€˜That’s nice, dear.’
    We drive off and I close my eyes. I want to forget the pain by replaying every little detail of my night with Ashleigh.
    So here goes …
    My first date is less than 24 hours away, and I’m as nervous as a kitten