Double Feature by Erika Almond

Chapter One
    Riley
     
    “Are you trying to fuck me up the butt here?”
    My buddy Virgil from the appliance store gave me the same
aching look as when I’d beaten him at cards the other night. “Jeez, Riley,
course I’m not. But this here’s a top-of-the-line air conditioner. I’m giving
you a deep discount at two hundred bucks as it is.”
    “You’re giving me a deep ass-fucking is what. I didn’t win
that kind of money at your poker-and-porn party. And besides,” I added, “who
taught you what a clitoris was and where to find it? And how to treat it once
you did?”
    Virgil looked chagrined. “You did, Riley.”
    “And wasn’t your wife so grateful for this newfound
knowledge that she’s been twanging your wang every day since?”
    Virgil blushed as he scuffed his foot by the appliance-store
loading dock. “Ayuh. She has.”
    “Mmm,” I said, nodding. “Probably blowing you harder than
when she wanted you to marry her too.”
    “Now look here, Riley,” Virgil said with a tone. My pug mix
Roscoe growled from his copilot spot in the passenger seat of my old but sexy
red Mustang.
    I held up my hands. “No offense, Virge. I’m just saying that
you two are acting like honeymooners again after how many years and even more
kids on account of me letting you in on Riley Wanamaker’s School for Studs.
Don’t you think that’s worth an air conditioner?” I knew I’d won when Virgil
sighed and leaned down to help me lift the box into my trunk.
    “I heard Josie McCabe showed your ass the door on account of
you playing Wily Riley with the real estate lady,” Virgil said as he wiped his
brow, the summer morning turning hot already. “You don’t have a place of your
own. So which of your women is the AC for?”
    I’d have answered him if we hadn’t both jumped at the sound
of buckshot being fired. Then someone hollered, “Riley Wanamaker, you son of a
bitch!”
    At the top of the hill stood Old Man Bishop, sweet Paige’s
daddy. Apparently I hadn’t been quite as stealthy as I’d thought when I slipped
out her bedroom window this morning. Roscoe gave me a worried look before
sounding a bark that said we’d best hoof it.
    I quickly pumped Virgil’s hand. “Much obliged,” I said. The
sound of the bird rifle being fired into the air again made me move my ass a
tad faster.
     
    My trusty Mustang quickly outran Bishop’s pick ’em up truck.
I laughed as I sped away, but hellfire, instead of trying to kill me Bishop
should’ve been thanking me. If he only knew his poor daughter had been crying
something awful about her boyfriend saying she didn’t know anything about sex.
I’d just happened on Paige as she was coming home from beauty school and she
told me all about it. I started suggesting a few things she could do. And then
she asked me if we could try those things out.
    What was I to do? I make it a habit never to say no to a
lady.
    We went back to Paige’s house and lit each other up for a
while. She was more than halfway to pretty once I took off her big eyeglasses.
And she was all the way to beautiful when I made her come. If she didn’t have
the creamiest skin… So smooth and sweet-tasting. I got the shivers just
thinking about how there was always something hot to discover about women.
    After I did some nice things to Paige to make her feel good
I showed her what to do with her boyfriend. I taught her how to suck him off so
he’d never forget the way her bottom lip caressed his crown. And then how to
fuck his brains out as if it were the end of the freakin’ Earth. And I told her
that right after she did these things she should kick his ass to the curb.
That’d teach him not to be such a shit-talking dick to a woman. And with
Paige’s new flirting skills courtesy of yours truly, she’d be able get any guy
she wanted.
    And now her daddy was trying to fill my butt full of buckshot?
Hellfire. I tried to help people out but I never got any respect in this
ass-backward county.
    I kept