Dr. Slick: A Killer Comedy by Dani Amore

One
     
    Chaos reigns in the classroom as Ms. Calisi, a very attractive woman in her late twenties, brings her group of five and six-year olds to order.
    “All right, kids. Can I have your attention, please?” she says.
    The kids quiet down and we see that one child, a girl named Lisa Goddard, is sitting on the lap of her father.  Tom Goddard is a typical Dad in his early thirties.  He’s handsome in an everyman kind of way, despite the beginnings of a small spare tire.
    “We have a very special guest today, a parent volunteer,” Ms. Calisi says.
    The kids all look at Tom Goddard, who gives a semi embarrassed wave.
    “Lisa, why don’t you introduce today’s special parent helper?” Ms. Calisi prompts.
    Lisa Goddard stands up. She’s cute as a button and very confident. She speaks with good volume and displays a lot of poise.
    “It’s my Dad,” she says.
    The kids clap.
    “Okay, Mr. Goddard, why don’t you tell the kids a little about yourself?” Ms. Calisi says.
    Goddard stands and he seems less confident than his daughter. He stands awkwardly and doesn’t quite know what to do with his hands.
    “Well, I’m a writer at an advertising agency–“
    “Louder, please. Use your big boy voice,” the teacher says.
    Tom is caught off guard and embarrassed as some of the kids snicker at the grown-up being reprimanded by the teacher.
    “Yes, I’m a writer at an ad agency. I write commercials mostly, and I’m very happy to be here. I think I can learn a lot from you.”
    A girl raises her hand. Tom nods to her.
    “Why does your stomach stick out like that?”
    Tom’s face turns beet red and he is at a loss for words.
    Luckily, his daughter comes to the rescue.
    “Mom says he eats too much and doesn’t exercise enough,” Lisa says.
    “It sort of looks like he has boobs!” a boy shouts out.  “Like a woman!”
    Even Ms. Calisi is now laughing.
    Tom sits there, unable to speak, totally humiliated.
    “Men can have breasts,” another boy points out.  “My brother calls them man titties.”
    The classroom erupts with laughter and Ms. Calisi gets to her feet.
    “Okay, okay, that’s enough.”
    The kids laugh and Tom looks at Ms. Calisi, who is failing to conceal her laughter as well.
    Tom looks at his daughter, his face red, looking like he wants to crawl under a rock.
    The class finally quiets down and Tom manages to breathe a sigh of relief that the torture of embarrassment is over.
    “And to settle this argument, Ms. Calisi says, “The politically correct term is man breasts.”
    She looks at Tom smiling, and Tom closes his eyes.

Two
     
    Tom’s office is pretty typical for an ad agency creative: desk, bookshelves, and computer.  A Nerf basketball hoop hangs on the wall. There are a few advertising trophies and pictures of the family on the desk.
    Tom sets down his briefcase and turns on his computer, just as his friend steps into the doorway.
    “Nice of you to finally join us.”
    “Hey Dylan,” Tom says.  “Yeah, I helped out at my daughter’s school.”
    “I hope they helped you with your penmanship.” Dylan does an imitation of a Neanderthal trying to use an implement, complete with guttural speech.
    Tom ignores him.
    “Got time for a game?” Dylan asks.
    “We’ve got a 12 o’clock meeting. American Oil.  We’re supposed to have print and television ideas,” he says.
    “Ah, it’s just the first round, they’re not looking for much,” Dylan points out.
    Tom looks unconvinced.
    “You scared of me? That the problem?” Dylan taunts.
    “The meeting’s a half-hour away!”
    “Run away, little man, run away.”
    Tom looks pissed. He makes a decision. “Let’s go, right now,” he says.
    “I’m gonna spank you,” Dylan says.  He leaves Tom’s office and Tom double-clicks an icon on his desktop. An image of a sniper rifle and the word SNIPER! appear on the screen followed by a cyber battlefield with a sniper rifle.
    The cyber version of Tom steps forward and suddenly