Driven by Dean Murray Page A

me.
    "Wow,
that was a close one. My beast has always been so protective of
Rachel before now. It's always viewed her as being ours in a way that most people wouldn't understand. It's my fault though;
my beast is just taking its cue from me."
    Ben
was still just lying there as silent and motionless as ever, but I
could feel his attention, feel that he was listening to me. I knew it
was selfish, knew that he'd run away precisely because I'd
accidentally addicted him to my touch, but I couldn't help myself. I
reached out and took his hand in mine.
    "The
truth is that I'm not really even pissed about how flakey Rachel has
gotten lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan, but the thing that
really has me so mad at her is the fact that she's calling me on my
crap. While I was stuck in that factory, not sure whether or not I
was going to make it back to you, she told me that the reason that
you and I hadn't ever been able to make it is because we've never put
each other first."
    My
voice started to break, but I cleared my throat and forced myself to
go on. If this was part of the price of bringing Ben back to me then
I would pay it.
    "I've
spent the last day or so telling myself that she was wrong, that I
couldn't have done anything differently, but the truth is that she is
right. I knew that you needed me. You were stuck there in the
hospital, going through the worst withdrawal pains you'd ever
experienced, and I wasn't there for you. I could have been, but I was
scared. I know, right? Big bad Jasmin, scared. I'm not sure that
anyone in the pack other than maybe Alec and Dominic would have even
believed that was possible."
    I'd
spent weeks now with tears only a couple of heartbeats away. I'd
mostly managed to keep them at bay, but they were even closer to the
surface now and a single tear broke free of my right eye and trickled
down my face.
    "Actually,
that's not fair. Rachel probably knew at the time—she just had
too much else going on right then to come talk to me about it. It's
crazy, but it's the truth, I was scared out of my mind. I was scared
of Agony and the rest of the Coun'hij. I could have gone to you, but
that would have been a calculated insult to Agony and doing that
might have pushed Alec into withdrawing the protection of the pack."
    I'd
grown up surrounded by Agony's handiwork. Reminders of the extent of
his power had been carved into the flesh of all of the adults in my
life. Donovan's limp, Andrew being confined to a wheelchair, even
Addison had scars from the night when Agony had killed more than half
of the pack.
    "I
had a good reason to be scared of Agony, but the truth was that I was
most scared of you. I wanted to be with you so badly, but I was
scared of what you'd say to me. You'd worked so hard trying to clean
yourself up, and I'd just sucked you into a new addiction, one that
was stronger than anything else you'd ever had to fight. I was afraid
that you'd reject me like you had so many times before, only this
time you'd be rejecting me despite the Ja'tell bond, and I wasn't
sure I'd be able to survive that. I didn't want to know that you
found me so repulsive that not even the flesh addiction could
overcome your dislike of me."
    That
first tear had been joined by others, but I didn't wipe them away,
didn't try to pretend that they weren't there. Ben deserved better
than that. He deserved a girl who didn't suppress her feelings like
some kind of emotionless cyborg. He deserved a real person, not some
battered abuse survivor who barely functioned from day to day.
    "I
just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that I let you down. I've
always let you down, but I'm going to do better now. There isn't any
reason for you to believe me, I know that, but I'm going to prove it
to you."
    I
fell asleep in my chair, still holding Ben's hand.
    **
    I
woke in a state of high alert. My muscles were charged with energy
and my beast was pacing back and forth at the edge of my mind. It
took me a second to figure out what had