Ehrengraf for the Defense by Lawrence Block

I don’t know. But that’s just one
example. Another time ambulances and limousines kept coming to my
house. One after the other. And taxicabs, and I don’t know what
else. These vehicles kept arriving from various sources and I kept
having to send them away.”
    “I see.”
    “And he fills out coupons and orders things
C.O.D. for me. I have to cancel the orders and return the products.
He’s had me join book clubs and record clubs, he’s subscribed me to
every sort of magazine, he’s put me on every sort of mailing list.
Did you know, for example, that there’s an outfit called the
International Society for the Preservation of Wild Mustangs and
Burros?”
    “It so happens I’m a member.”
    “Well, I’m sure it’s a worthwhile
organization,” Crowe said, “but the point is I’m not interested in
wild mustangs and burros, or even tame ones, but Mayhew made me a
member and pledged a hundred dollars on my behalf, or maybe it was
a thousand dollars, I can’t remember.”
    “The exact amount isn’t important at the
moment, Mr. Crowe.”
    “He’s driving me crazy!”
    “So it would seem. But to kill a man because
of some practical jokes—”
    “There’s no end to them. He started doing
this almost two years ago. At first it was completely maddening
because I had no idea what was happening or who was doing this to
me. From time to time he’ll slack off and I’ll think he’s had his
fun and has decided to leave me alone. Then he’ll start up
again.”
    “Have you spoken to him?”
    “I can’t. He laughs like the lunatic he is
and hangs up on me.”
    “Have you confronted him?”
    “I can’t. He lives in an apartment downtown
on Chippewa Street. He doesn’t let visitors in and never seems to
leave the place.”
    “And you’ve tried the police?”
    “They can’t seem to do anything. He just lies
to them, denies all responsibility, tells them it must be someone
else. A very nice policeman told me the only sensible thing I can
do is wait him out. He’ll get tired, he assured me, the man’s
madness will run its course. He’ll decide he’s had his
revenge.”
    “And you tried to do that?”
    “For a while. When it didn’t work, I engaged
a private detective. He obtained evidence of activities, evidence
that will stand up in court. But attorney convinced me not to press
charges.”
    “Why, for heaven’s sake?”
    “The man’s a cripple.”
    “Your attorney?”
    “Certainly not. Mayhew’s a cripple, he’s
confined to a wheelchair. I suppose that’s why he never leaves his
squalid little apartment. But my attorney said I could only charge
him with malicious mischief, which is not the most serious crime in
the book and which sounds rather less serious than it is because it
has the connotation of a child’s impish prank—”
    “Yes.”
    “—and there we’d be in court, myself a large
man in good physical condition and Mayhew a sniveling cripple in a
wheelchair, and he’d get everyone’s sympathy and undoubtedly be
exonerated of all charges while I’d come off as a bully and a
laughingstock. I couldn’t make charges stand up in criminal court,
and if I sued him I’d probably lose. And even if I won, what could
I possibly collect? The man doesn’t have anything to start
with.”
    Ehrengraf nodded thoughtfully. “He blames you
for crippling him?”
    “I can’t imagine why. I had never even heard
of him before he started tormenting me, but who knows what a madman
might think? He doesn’t seem to want anything from me. I’ve called
him up, asked him what he wanted, and he laughs and hangs up on
me.”
    “And so you’ve decided to kill him.”
    “I haven’t said that.”
    Ehrengraf sighed. “We’re not in court, Mr.
Crowe, so that sort of technicality’s not important between us.
You’ve implied you intend to kill him.”
    “Perhaps.”
    “At any rate, that’s the inference I’ve
drawn. I can certainly understand your feelings, but isn’t the
remedy you propose an