Evil Machines by Terry Jones

me! Help me!’ called out Sylvia Grabitall, the banker’s daughter, and she banged on the windows of the Rev. McPherson’s car.
    ‘Release her at once, you Villainous Vehicle!’ commanded the Rev. McPherson.
    ‘Get lost, vicar!’ it yelled, and let out a noise through its exhaust pipe that sounded suspiciously like a fart. Then it swerved and plunged down a steep slope towards a lake.
    But Frank swung the Black Maria after it and they were running alongside each other down the slope. The Rev. McPherson had by this time climbed onto the roof of the Black Maria.
    ‘Let her go!’ he yelled.
    ‘Never!’ cried the car.
    ‘Help!’ cried Sylvia.
    Now I have to tell you that the greatest excitement in the Rev. McPherson’s life had, up to this point, been crossword puzzles. But now his blood was up. He forgot all fear as he leapt across from the roof of the speeding Black Maria on to the roof rack of his speeding car. Well, that made his car furious. It bucked and swerved and tried to shake him off, but the Rev. McPherson hung on for dear life.
    ‘Get me out!’ cried Sylvia Grabitall, banging on the window.
    ‘Hold on!’ yelled the Rev. McPherson. And all the time the two vehicles careered down the hill towards the lake.
    ‘Look out!’ cried Emily.
    ‘Turn!’ yelled Frank and he swerved the Black Maria into the Rev. McPherson’s car, so the sparks flew as metal hub cap clashed against metal hub cap, and the car juddered as Frank swung the police van again into its side.
    ‘Ouch!’ cried the Rev. McPherson’s car, and it swung itself back against the Black Maria. But the Black Maria was made of heavy-duty steel.
    CRUNCH! That was the sound of the Rev. McPherson’s car’s front mudguard buckling under the impact.
    CRASH! That was the sound of Frank swinging the Black Maria back into the side of the car – upon which the car’s
    bonnet flew up, so it couldn’t see where it was going!
    ‘The lake!’ cried Emily. The two vehicles were all this time hurtling closer and closer towards the lake. ‘Turn, Frank! Turn!’
    But the front wheel of the Black Maria had got caught under the mudguard of the Rev. McPherson’s car, and Frank couldn’t pull it away.

‘Turn!’ shouted Frank, and he crashed the Black Maria into the side of the car again, but the Rev. McPherson’s car just kept on going down the hill, blindly heading for the lake.
    ‘Help!’ cried Margaret. ‘We’re going to drown!’
    ‘Jump!’ shouted the Black Maria and Margaret jumped and landed in the gorse.
    ‘Ow!’ she yelled.
    ‘Everybody jump!’ yelled the Black Maria, and Emily jumped, but Sylvia Grabitall couldn’t jump, for she was trapped inside the Rev. McPherson’s car.
    ‘Jump!’ yelled Frank to the Rev. McPherson, but the Reverend wasn’t listening. Instead he swung his leg over the roof of his car and smashed in the passenger’s window with his foot.
    A roar of anger swelled up from deep within the car’s engine, and it reared into the air as it hit a tussock of grass and its wheels span free for a couple of seconds.
    Then it hit the ground again and the Rev. McPherson, with no regard for his personal safety put his hand in through the broken window and grabbed Sylvia Grabitall’s arm!
    ‘Grrr!’ roared the Rev. McPherson’s car.
    ‘Quick!’ yelled the Rev. McPherson to Sylvia who was now screaming for all she was worth. ‘Climb out!’
    ‘I’m going to die!’ screamed Sylvia.
    ‘Just jump!’ yelled the Rev. McPherson, as the lake loomed before them.
    ‘Arggghhh!’ roared the Rev. McPherson’s car, and it ground its gears in a fit of rage.
    ‘Take that!’ yelled Frank as he swung the Black Maria against the Rev. McPherson’s car so violently that the mudguard buckled again and the wheel came free.
    As the Black Maria swung away, its nearside wheels skimmed the shallow water at the edge of the lake, but the Rev. McPherson’s car went straight on. The Reverend himself had managed to pull Sylvia