Fall by Colin McAdam Page A

only way to be helped by someone was to surrender, to be honest and say this is me, I’m yours, please fix whatever’s wrong with me. I discovered that night that it was more than just desire I felt, it was that higher level of need and an acknowledgment that she could own me—maybe owned me already.
    I stood up and attracted attention. I know she looked at me, but I kept my eyes on the screen as I walked past it and out of the room.
     
    Some people don’t know their words and some writers deliberately lie. I believe in the effort of words chasing thoughts: the spectacle of it, the truth of that alone. Words chasing thoughts are like greyhounds chasing the mechanical bunny. What’s interesting is not the bunny but the dogs: the hunger, the sinew, the energy and movement. I know my words. I write policy papers and memos. The right words are the dogs in front, one sniff behind the truth. There is never disappointment.
    Never the disappointment I feel when I don’t have the opportunity to write. When I awake and find nothing but the apartments all around me.
    I am drawn to giving details.

 
     
     
2
     
     
    I S THAT YOU , sir.
    It’s me it’s me, cough cough.
    Step into the light, please, sir.
    I want my bed.
    Step forward. Thank you, sir, goodnight.
     
    Ah, Monsieur Jool, du lait du lait du lait.
    I want my bed.
     
    Oh, when dad shouts I smell his breath. When will that breath happen to me. How many bad things do I have to do before that breath happens to me.
    I am
     
    Never
     
    Ever
     
    Drinking
     
    A single
     
    Shot
     
    Of
     
    Jä
     
    Ger
     
    Meister
     
    For the rest of my blond-haired life.
     
    Dad said I was lucky to be young. When you’re young you don’t get hangovers. This is a hangover. I want juice. This is a hangover on the sun’s brightest . . . When is he gonna finish. I need to leave. I need my bed at school.
     
    Why am I in this room.
    Why am I dreaming about canoes.
    There’s that French girl on the banks I can smell her.
    Laundry day!
    Ow, motherfuckers.
    Fuck off I mean it.
    Ow.
    Laundry day says Ant. Christ he annoys me. What is Wink doing over there.
    Let me sleep, let me sleep, let me sleep.
     
    Give me a smoke I say.
    Chuckie can be relied on. How many times are we going to walk down this hill for laundry.
    I don’t know says Ant.
    About thirty says Chuck.
    The cigarette’s helping and I blow some smoke into Ant’s face, he’s pissing me off today.
    Ant, man, do you remember the bullshit in your mouth last night.
    I don’t want to talk about it. You were the drunk one, mister, Mister I was the Drunk One, fuck. You were hurling everywhere.
    I won’t push it.
    No one’s ever gonna know me
says Chuck.
    I’ll let Chuck push it.
    Do you remember saying that, Antony. About eighty-six times. We were all a little drunk. Right. So, Jules, man: tell. A little Fall action. Barfing.
    Barfing I say. None of your business.
    You had your hand down her pants by the bathroom says Ant. Everyone went to the bathroom.
    I’m thinking about blowing more smoke in his face.
    Nobody saw it says Chuck.
    I can’t believe you barfed on my shoes says Ant.
     
    I just want peace and quiet. I just want to be alone. I just want to be alone with Fall and hold her beautiful hand. There’s peace there in her palm and we won’t have to talk.
     
    Chapel: Bong!
    La la la la la, England, Jesus, Canada, Jesus, Jesus. I’m gonna leave this chapel and Niles is gonna point to my hair and say cut it. Someone is gonna fart on a pew, someone will joke p.u., and we’ll sing out of tune ’cause we’re jokers. I’m so fuckin tired and bored and I wish I was back at Dad’s tonight.
    I just need to sleep.
    La la la la la, Canada, Jesus, Jesus.
    Julius says Niles. Cut that please by next weekend.
     
    Wink’s here.
    Hey I say.
    Hey.
    Hot. Bright. It’s too bright in here. He’s a quiet guy.
    I just want to sleep.
    Mind if I turn off the big light I say.
    No he says.
    I’m tired. Big run. Why do I have