Fall by Colin McAdam Page B

to be on the top bunk, it’s hard work, oof, wait. Is this my bed.
    Chuck came in here looking for you he says.
    Leave me alone. Please, leave me alone.
    What is this fuckin feeling I’m like a bruise and a scared old man, bitch bitch.
    Ah, he’s turned off the lights.
    Nice.
    I’ll ask him about his weekend.
    He stayed here all weekend. Fuck that.
    Noel down there’s a lonely guy. He’s a quiet guy.
    In comes fuckin Chuckie with a bang. Chuck and Ant and a joke about cocks, and I’m so, very, tired, of, them. I just want to relax. I just don’t want to think. I just wish.
    Now I’ve got to close the door.
    Ow.
    Nice and quiet in here. That was nice of Noel.
    Should I jack off or ask him a question.
    So you stayed here all weekend I say.
    Fall took my smokes. Does Noel know Fall. He must. Why don’t I know this guy.
    Does he know my dad. My dad’s the guy who says that Canada is weak. That’s how they know him. Funny.
    Funny funny funny.
    You been to my dad’s place, Noel.
    No.
    You should try sneaking into it, man. Try it at three in the morning I say.
    My dad’s my friend I’m thinking.
    I love my dad.
    What’s this feeling it’s like guilt and I wanna tell everyone I love them.
    It’s hot. I’ve got to sleep.
    I need to talk.
    Can you keep secrets down there, Noel.
    I love Fall so much it makes me ache and want to cry. I feel like I’m gonna cry in front of Wink, come on.
    Don’t don’t don’t.
    She has eyes that are so sad and smiling. I stand above her and she looks at me and it’s like she’s asking me but she’s my answer.
    I want to give her everything, take all of her and pour those eyes, those legs, that Fall all down my dusty throat.
    You know Fall I say. Those eyes, right.
    Everybody knows Fall. Everybody loves her.
    I dream about her eyes I say.
    I feel like I can talk to Noel.
    These fuckin guys I say. I don’t know. We were at this party and Ant’s hitting on everyone Chuck’s hitting on and Chuck’s always complaining about small spaces and the party seemed like a small space I say.
    Only three bedrooms I’m thinking and this was the fuckin mayor’s place.
    Maybe it was too crowded.
    Why am I angry about a party.
    Lots of pretty chicks there I say.
    There’s a lot of beauty he says.
    Is that what he said. What does that mean. There
is
a lot of beauty.
    There’s a lot of beauty I say.
    Try saying that at a party.
    Why don’t you go to parties, man.
    Why’s it so quiet in here.
    I don’t like not connecting with people he says.
    I could have done more with Fall. I should have.
    Who wants to kiss my barfy lips.
    I could grow up. I should grow up.
    I should stop calling Noel down there Wink.
    You’re a smart guy I say.
    He is.
    I feel weird today, man. Hungover. I love my girlfriend.
    Why did I just say that.
    I know he says.
    How does he know.
    Because you’ve seen her eyes I say.
    I know he says.
    I feel sort of scared I say and I don’t know what I mean or why I said it.
    I’m scared of Monday, the world opening its grumpy eyes all wide.
    I wish I’d seen Fall before bed. I wish she’d given me one of those hugs and pressed against my heart right here. She could walk intothis room and climb up here, she’d giggle and I’d help her up. Nice warm smile and I kiss her quiet laugh. Long body up here beside me and her hand all sly, and it does what it wants and it wants to tickle touch wander and slide below the magic line. Yes please.
    Fuck, I am aching.
    I’ll have a quick one.
    He’s falling asleep.
    I’ll just quickly . . .
    Woman in fur. Where’s my woman in fur and the big round tits.
    Sometimes people surprise you he says.
    Shit, he felt it. These beds. I should have stayed on the bottom bunk, you feel the top move but you don’t feel the bottom, not so much.
    We all jack off who cares.
    What did he say.
    It’s just a lazy eye he says.
    What.
    I think people think it’s something more serious. It’s just a muscle problem he’s saying. I can’t control