Fifty Shades of Mr Darcy: A Parody by William Codpiece Thwackery Page B

soaked through by the rain.
Oh my! He was Byronic!
    In a hurried manner he began an inquiry after her health, imputing his visit to a wish of hearing that she had been eating well. She replied, cordially, that she had enjoyed a hearty bowl of
Frosties that very morning, and that he should have no worries on that account.
    Darcy sat down for a few moments, and then getting up, walked about the room. Elizabeth was surprised, but said not a word. After a silence of several minutes, he came towards her in an agitated
manner, and thus began:
    ‘In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I wish to bind your limbs with cable ties and flog the living
daylights out of you.’
    Elizabeth’s astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the list of every kinky thing he wanted to
do to her, from tickling her fancy with feathers to sandpapering her nipples, immediately followed.
    ‘You must understand, Elizabeth, that this will not be a boyfriend-girlfriend thing,’ he concluded, running his hands through his copper locks in an agitated manner. ‘I wish to
formalize our relationship, and to that end, I have had my lawyer draw up a contract.’
    Elizabeth struggled to compose herself. A marriage contract! This was the culmination of all her hopes.
Fitzwilliam Darcy was proposing!
    ‘Yes!’ she breathed, her face alight with joy. ‘I
shall
be your wife.’
    Mr Darcy visibly blanched. ‘My
wife
? I do not do
matrimony
, Elizabeth. I told you, my designs upon you are far darker than that. The document to which I refer is a kinky-sex
contract. A detailed list of what I intend to do to you if you agree to be mine. A list which, if the reader of this book happens to be titillated by the BDSM scene, will no doubt be highly
arousing. But to all other readers, will prove about as sexy as a list of borough council town-centre parking restrictions.’
    From the pocket of his waistcoat he produced a slim roll of parchment, presenting it to Elizabeth with a curt nod of the head.
    ‘Read!’ he commanded.
    With trembling fingers, Elizabeth unrolled the parchment.
    This document, dated 28 February 1814 (hereafter known as ‘the commencement date’), is a contract of voluntary sexual slavery between Mr
     Fitzwilliam Darcy (‘the Dominant’), of Pemberley, Derbyshire, and Miss Elizabeth Bennet of Longbourn, Hertfordshire (‘the Submissive’).
    Oh my! What was this?
    Mr Darcy, who was leaning against the mantelpiece with his eyes fixed upon her face, surveyed her hopefully. Elizabeth continued reading.
    The purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality safely, with due respect for her needs and well-being. The Dominant
     and the Submissive agree and acknowledge that whatever occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual and confidential, and subject to the agreed limits set out in this
     contract.
    Mr Darcy fidgeted impatiently. ‘Just skip to the dirty bits,’ he urged. ‘That’s what everyone else does.’
    Elizabeth unrolled the scroll further, and gave a gasp.
    Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?
    1. Slap and tickle
    2. Rogering
    3. Rutting
    4. A bit of how’s your father
    5. Rumpy pumpy
    6. Having clamps applied to your apple dumplings
    7. Getting your nancy whacked with a cat o’ nine
    tails …
    Her hands fell into her lap, and the document slithered to the floor.
    ‘Say you’ll sign, Elizabeth,’ Darcy urged, his grey eyes smouldering. ‘My penis depends upon it.’
    ‘
Your penis depends upon it?
’ Hot tears welled up in Elizabeth’s eyes. ‘Not your happiness, Mr Darcy? Have you no tender feelings at all?’ Colour rose in her
cheeks and her eyes flashed in anger. ‘You cannot seriously expect me to accept these terms?’
    ‘Am I to understand that you are
refusing
me?’