Fifty Shades of Mr Darcy: A Parody by William Codpiece Thwackery

Darcy. If you were ever a guest
at Longbourn and found my syllabubs, say, or my hare pie were not to your liking, I should endeavour not to hold it against you.’
    Mr Darcy leant forward and held her in a penetrating gaze. ‘You and I are very different, Miss Bennet,’ he murmured. ‘You see, I would find your hare pie
quite
delicious
, and would be sure to enjoy it morning, noon and night. I would dive into it at breakfast, luncheon and dinner, then I would ask for seconds.’
    ‘I would find your appetite most gratifying, I am sure,’ blushed Elizabeth. ‘But some of us are less gluttonous than others. I myself am content with the occasional
muffin.’
    Mr Darcy smiled lasciviously. ‘Then we are in agreement at last, Miss Bennet,’ he smirked.
    ‘Um, should I leave the room?’ asked Charlotte.
    ‘No need, Mrs Collins,’ said Mr Darcy, rising from his chair. ‘I must depart. Lady Catherine urged me to hurry back; we are going riding – hard – together. She is
to send a carriage for you at eight,’ he continued, ‘in order that you may dine with us tonight.’ Then, addressing Elizabeth directly: ‘I am so glad that the two of you have
met at last.’
    ‘I’m sure we shall be great friends,’ said Elizabeth with a tight smile.
    ‘Really?’ Mr Darcy’s face lit up. ‘I do hope so. She is a remarkable woman.’ With a bow he departed, and Elizabeth turned back to her needlepoint. She frowned. She
would have to unpick it and start again. ‘There’s no place like home bitch troll bitch troll bitch troll bitch troll’ would not look quite right on a cushion cover.

    At the proper hour Elizabeth and Mr and Mrs Collins arrived at Rosings, to be told Lady Catherine was at her toilette and would not keep them waiting long. A footman led them
into a small, comfortable parlour, tastefully decorated with black leather furnishings and paintings of goats being sodomized by demons. Suddenly, Charlotte let out a cry of alarm, and, following
her gaze, Mr Collins and Elizabeth noticed a figure kneeling in the corner of the room, his eyes downcast, clad only in leather hotpants and a studded collar: Mr Darcy! Elizabeth gaped at him.
Jeez, he was ripped!
    ‘Pray, what are you doing down there, Mr Darcy?’ she gasped. ‘For shame, get up and put on some clothes.’
    ‘He is
not
to move!’
    Lady Catherine appeared in the doorway, her impressive leather-clad bosom halfway across the threshold and her skintight catsuit creaking menacingly.
    ‘Mr Darcy has displeased me, and this is his punishment.’
    Mr Darcy remained motionless.
It’s almost as if he’s in a trance,
thought Elizabeth.
What power Lady Catherine has over him! How cruel and domineering she is!
    ‘I am sure your ladyship knows best,’ Mr Collins simpered, bowing obsequiously. ‘It reminds me of a Genesis tour in ’78, when I had to send Mike Rutherford to Coventry
for–’
    ‘But to humiliate him so!’ Elizabeth burst out. ‘Can it truly be justified?’
    Charlotte tugged at Elizabeth’s sleeve. ‘Please hold your tongue, Lizzy,’ she whispered. ‘Think of Philstock ...’
    Lady Catherine swept over to Mr Darcy and seized him by the hair. ‘Get up!’ she ordered. ‘Our guests need some peanuts.’
    ‘Yes, Mistress,’ Darcy intoned in a low voice, rising to his feet. Making his way over to a sideboard, never once lifting his eyes, he took down two china dishes and made his way
over to Mr Collins.
    ‘Will his punishment last long?’ the latter asked, seizing a handful of Mr Darcy’s nuts.
    ‘Until I am satisfied,’ replied Lady Catherine.
    Elizabeth watched Mr Darcy as he moved wordlessly about the room. He looked so different – so young, so vulnerable, so broken. Damn Lady Catherine! How could she have dragged him into the
dark, twisted world she inhabited? She, Elizabeth, would show him there was another way. An afternoon of découpage, a duet upon the dulcimer ... Such diversions could surely lead even the
most