Finding Cait by Sarah White Page A

down in front of Court. Watching her
struggle in the sand and then be too weak to make it back to the car is
absolutely killing me.  We used to run as fast as we could down to the
shore and sometimes race back to the bikes, now I am carrying her boney body
back to my truck as she rests her head on my back.
        
Maybe I should not have come, maybe I should have told her they wouldn’t let
me.  As I take each step I feel my heart sink lower as the sand gives way
under my feet.  Mom and Dad would have wanted me here with her, staying by
her side until she leaves to meet them.  Surely they could understand that
watching her die is too much.  Losing my fellow Marines was hard, losing
my parents was harder, losing Court is going to break
me. 
        
Cait walks along beside me, breathing shallowly even though her feet are
sinking heavily also.  I can imagine that the pain in her chest is just
like mine, grabbing my heart and my lungs and squeezing so that only a small
breath can enter and then leave again sharply.  The walk to my truck is a
short one for me but I saver every moment Court is near me knowing that this
may be the last time we are all on this beach together.  She is going to
die. I can’t fix it. I can’t stop it. I just have to survive it.

 
    Chapter 19
    Cait
        
When we get to the truck Matt helps her up to the back seat so that she can lay down as we drive back home.  We stop at a small
liquor store at the edge of town to get some beer and then grab some take-out
before returning to the house.  Once home I help Court into a hot bath. 
I would never believe how fast someone’s health could deteriorate if I was not
watching it with my own eyes. 
        
“Cait, tonight’s conversation is going to be hard for Matt.  I know I am
all that he has left.  I don’t care how much he needs to drink, or you too
for that matter but we need to get some things straight.  I don’t think
there are going to be many more days where I can tell you what I need to tell
you.” 
        
I sit back against the wall and rest my head.  She is right, I can see it
in her face.  I fight the urge to call Candy and ask for a new predicted
day of death for Court.  It is all out of my hands and the anxiety is
overwhelming.  All I can do is reassure her that I am okay so that she can
do what she needs to do. “Court he is going to be fine, and so will I.” She
closes her eyes and the tears stream down her face.  I hand her the rag
and she sobs into it.  The bones of her spine are visible and she sits in
the fetal position crying silently into the rag as I rub her back and
head. 
        
When there is no energy left to cry, I help her out of the tub and dry her
off.  We put on her warm pajamas, wrap her head in a scarf and go to her
room where all of her medication is laid out on her dresser. She asks me to get
her some pain medicine and I begin to look through the bottles to find what she
needs.  It is a horrible reality to know that none of these pills can save
her and even worse to know that in order to get all of these medications she
and her doctor had to decide they were done fighting it.  Hospice is
brought in to make you comfortable, not to prolong your life. 
        
After finding the correct medication and taking a quick shower myself, I help
her to the couch so that we can have our talk.  I can hear Matt in the
kitchen so I go in to see if he is ready.  He is leaning against the
counter much like he had been this morning but now he looks so different.  He is clearly a few beers ahead of
us now and he looks up to me with watery eyes.  I can see that he
has just gotten out of the shower. 
        
“She is ready but she just took some medicine that I know will make her
sleepy.  You can do this, she won’t be able to talk long so let’s just
hear her out and then put her to bed.”  I grab a pad of paper and a pen
from the drawer and then grab his hand and lead him to the