Finding Cait by Sarah White

the
furniture, nothing.  I will have no use for any of them and the idea of
being free from the possessions we had together is liberating.
        
Court takes shotgun as we jump into Matt’s truck.  I scoot into the middle
of the back seat so that I can hear the conversation.  It smells like him
in here and I close my eyes and take in a breath as we drive through the
town.  The sticker on his windshield reminds me that he has a place to go
when this is over, a place where he is expected and accounted for.  Peace
washes over me when I think of the ties that I have cut to the possessions I
hold here on Earth.
        
“Where are we headed?” Matt asks.
        
“To the beach, the one we used to spend our summers at.”  Court says as
she looks out the window.  Matt nods and starts down the road to the little
beach we used to practically live at when we were younger.  We drive in
silence for most of the trip but when we near the beach Court turns to me and
asks if I will be okay being there.  I know why she asks, it was the beach that Elliot and I were married on.
        
“I’m fine Court.  This trip is not about me it’s about you.  If there
is something down here I need to see then let’s go see it.”
        
“Matt, park in the lot by the lifeguard tower,” Court says as we make our last turn onto the long drive that leads to the lot. 
Matt is looking out his window and I can tell he is not looking at us on
purpose. 
        
When Matt parks the car we all get out and walk to the edge of the lot where
the sand meets the road.  It is a far walk through the sand down to the
lifeguard tower and I start to worry that Court won’t be able to make it. 
I look at Matt to see if he is worried too and I can see in his face we are
thinking the same thing.
        
“Are you well enough to get there?” he asks Court.
        
“I want to feel the sand under my feet for a little while but I know I can’t
make it all the way,” she replies as she stands with her hands on her
hip.  Even as sick as she is she looks beautiful.  Her scarf is
blowing in the small breeze and she closes her eyes as if committing all that
there is here to memory. 
        
We walk a little ways in the sand and reminisce about what it used to be like
to sneak down here at night and have bonfires.  Her breathing gets heavier
and I can tell she is struggling so I take her hand and nod as if quietly
asking that she stop.  Watching her struggle makes me want to scoop her up
and carry her back to the car.  What could be so important down here that
she is willing to use all her energy to get there I wonder. 
        
Matt had seen me take her hand so he stopped and offered to carry her. She
climbs onto his back and we start making our way down to the water.  When
we reach the shore he sets her down in the sand and she sits down and motions
for us to do the same. 
        
“This is it guys,” she says as she looks out into the water.  Matt and I
look out at the waves crashing onto the shore.  “This is my happy place.”
        
I can see why it makes her happy, it used to make me happy too.  We spend
an hour watching the surf and the small birds run down to the water and back up
again.  It is past three when she tells us that she needs to go home again
and we stand up and brush the sand off.  Just as the sand falls into the
small openings our clothes have failed to protect, the grief of losing her
grates against my skin and I desperately try to brush it off as well.
         Matt offers her his
back again and she climbs on, slower this time.  I see her rest her head
on his back like a child would do to their father and I choke down the lump
that is building in my throat.  I don’t know if I can do any more “lasts”
without coming completely unraveled. 

 
    Chapter 18
    Matt
        
The weight, or lack of weight really, against my back is devastating.  I
am doing everything I can to not break