Finding Laila: Some Changes are Necessary by T.K. Rapp

mom, and I could go to her with things,
but I was protective of what I shared about the guys.
    * * *
    I
still have every journal I’ve ever written, so I go to my closet and dig for
the black and white spiral that I remember. I hide things well, so it takes me
a few minutes of searching to find the right one. When I do, it’s marked with
the telltale warnings of a moody fourteen-year-old.
    Open it and die , the words read, and I laugh. I flip through
the pages until I find the entry I’m looking for.

 
    Where do I even begin?
    Sometimes I hate being one
of the guys. They are all so great, but it sucks when they are all starting to
get cute and I’m still…me. My hair is too stringy, my boobs are nonexistent and
I’m too tall. I suppose it could be worse, I could be completely alone.
    Caarly threw herself at
Haden today and I got so mad. He actually accused me of being jealous and while
yes, I was jealous, I still can’t believe he said that to me. What’s he trying
to do, mess up our Quarry Gang? (I call us that, they don’t, but I’m waiting
for it to catch on.)
    At least Caarly wasn’t
being nice to me to get to him, that’s a new one. I’m so sick of some of the
popular girls coming up and trying to be my friend just to get to Braxton,
Cole, Joey or Haden. It’s laughable to think I’d have any influence over the
guys in the girl department. Doesn’t matter anyway because as soon as they
figure it out, the girls stop talking to me and it’s just one more person I can
add to the “I hate Laila Nixon Club.” (Trademark pending, I’m sure.) I can
guarantee that there are no guys trying to get in with those four to get to me.
    Last year, I had a crush on
Braxton, the year before that, it was Cole. This year, I can’t stop looking at
Haden. I swear, one day, he’s going to catch me and then I’ll die from
embarrassment. Joey is the only person I’d ever tell about my crush, but he
gets all weird when I tell him about who I like. If he
knew I liked Haden, he’d probably tell me everything that he does wrong and
make me feel stupid. I suppose it will have to stay here in this journal, which
is fine with me.
    But if Haden’s not
interested in Caarly, there’s no way he’d ever look at me. Could he really be into
guys? Not that it matters… but I’ve never noticed him look at the others like
that, but maybe I’m missing something, or maybe they aren’t his type? I would
never ask him because if he is, that’s something he’ll let us know when he’s
ready, but still, what am I supposed to do about all these messed up feelings I
have for him?
    Should I tell him and get
it out of my system? No, that’s not a good idea because then things could get
very weird.
    Maybe I need to make a
list—a list of everything about him that I like and don’t like so I can
get him out of my system for good.
    Haden’s Good qualities:
    1. he’s really cute
    2. he’s a great friend.
    3. his artwork is amazing.
    4. his eyes.
    5. his arms. (I love his arms.)
    6. he’s one of the nicest people I know.
    7. I like when he holds my
hand, even if it’s just as a friend.
    8. he always has my back.
    Haden’s Bad qualities:
    1. he can be too intense.
    2. he’s not into me
    3. I don’t stand a chance.
    4. He’s my friend—not
a bad thing, just a “problem” to ever being more than friends.
    5.
? ??
    All right, I’ve looked at
this list for five minutes and I can’t come up with anything else wrong with
Haden. UGH! This is going to be a long year if something doesn’t change. Maybe
he’ll do something gross, or say something mean and I’ll finally get over him.
    Please let me get over him.
I can’t have my heart broken by one of my best friends. It will ruin
everything.

 
    I
finish reading and recall those feelings I had for him. I rarely cried, but
that day I did and it took everything in me to push the feelings aside so I
could get over him. I’m not sure how long it took, but eventually the