Finding Me by Mariah Dietz Page A

he creates a human barrier between Danny and another group of fans.
    Danny places a hand on the small of my back that had I not seen in the reflection of the window we just passed, I wouldn’t have known was there due to my many layers. The cold air hits me like a wall as it usually does here, causing my muscles to constrict painfully.
    “What are you guys doing Saturday?” Danny asks, undeterred by the freezing temperatures.
    “I’ll text you her number, but her California blood is too thin for this weather,” Fitz says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
    “Okay, where’s your phone, friend ?” Danny asks, taking a step closer to us.
    My muscles protest as I move my arm from around my middle to retrieve my phone from my purse.
    Danny takes it from my grasp with a smile. His fingers move quickly over the screen before retrieving his own phone and looking at it with a satisfied expression, then hands me back my own phone.
    “Don’t trust me?” Fitz teases.
    “Some things you can’t leave in the hands of others,” Danny replies, wrapping an arm around Fitz. He pulls back with a laugh and then engulfs me in his arms.
    “I’ll see you Saturday.”
    “I didn’t say yes.”
    “You will.” He winks, squeezing my hand for a brief second. Then he slowly releases my fingers, allowing the cold to assault my skin with vengeance against the warmth he left behind. I hear him laugh as he follows the large black man that’s clearly giving him a hard time down the road.
    “Best. Friend. Ever.” Fitz tugs me closer, and we walk with me under his arm to the car. “I should wear a badge. No, no, a medal!” he cries, patting a spot on his chest as we make it back to his car. “I bet you can find one online.”
    When I get home, the silence swallows me. The threat of impending thoughts has me deliberately drawing out the process of getting ready for bed in an attempt to avoid them. I watch several episodes of a sitcom that I manage to laugh at a few times with only slight force as my mind quietly buzzes.
    Eventually, I turn it off and let out a deep breath as I close my eyes and lie back. The night begins unraveling, one thread at a time. The kiss had been so sudden and such a surprise it hadn’t fully registered until just now. I press my fingers to my lips at the memory of feeling Danny’s, soft and warm, against mine, his chin slightly rough. My eyes fill with tears, and I get up and go back to the bathroom and begin brushing my teeth, though I had just moments ago. I scrub until my gums burn and my eyes release a new stream of tears.
    I lie in bed again, feeling like my chest has been stuffed with cotton. I can’t breathe. I can hear the condescending tone of my heart as images fly through my mind—images of Max smiling and laughing, looking at me with adoration and love. I can feel his skin warm against me, taste his lips as they touch mine. My breath hitches as a sharp, gut-wrenching ache forces me to curl into myself and grasp my chest to make sure I haven’t somehow been physically ripped open.
    I need comfort. I need to hear him, to feel him, to smell him. But I can’t, and the fact causes my pain to intensify. I reach for my phone and hit a couple of buttons, fighting the guilt for calling so late.
    “Hey!” her chipper voice is so clear, it sounds like it could be beside me, rather than across the country.
    I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
    “Ace? Are you okay?”
    The sound of concern in Kendall’s voice only makes it worse. A strangled cry emits from my throat as I picture the expression that I know accompanies her current tone.
    “Oh, Ace, what happened? Are you alright?” I hear a few quiet murmurs in the background, but can’t distinguish any of it over my gasps of breath.
    “I can’t get over him,” I choke out. “I don’t know how to make it go away.”
    “Oh, Ace.”
    “I got kissed tonight,” I whisper, wiping at my cheeks that are wet from tears.
    She doesn’t reply. I