Finding Me by Mariah Dietz Page B

can imagine her trying to figure out what to say to encourage me that everything will be alright. It’s horrible that I need to hear her tell me that I should come back, and that Max and I will get back together, because after all, I’m not sure that I can go back.
    “Maybe it’s because it was the first time? Maybe this had to happen for it to get easier.” Her words cripple me. Kendall’s my only sister that doesn’t ask about boys or dating, like she understands that my heart won’t stop loving Max, but this advice speaks in volumes to me. It tells me she thinks it’s over.

“Destiny is a name often given in retrospect to choices that had dramatic consequences.”
    – J.K. Rowling
     
    “H ow are you feeling today, Harper?”
    Our hour always begins with this same simple, overly common question that I’ve begun to loathe. Traditionally, this greeting can be evaded so easily with a smile or a returned question. That’s never the case with Kitty. She seems to really want to know.
    It’s been a couple of weeks since she brought up my dad and the reasons for me moving out here. When I returned, I didn’t apologize for leaving the following week, and she didn’t either. Maybe we both know that she pushed too hard. Or maybe we both know that I’m just not ready for her to push that hard.
    “I don’t know.”
    Kitty waits patiently. I’m tempted to wait with her, see how long she can actually tolerate this silence.
    I don’t last long. “Fitz and I went to a bar Friday, and this guy that Fitz knows asked me out.”
    Kitty’s head tilts to the side. “You’re concerned about going out and having a good time?” I don’t protest. I don’t know how to explain my objections without sounding a little crazy. “Harper, time will always pass, but sometimes you forget to pay attention until it’s too late.”
    “Too late for me to go out with this guy? Or too late to fix things?”
    “What do you think?”
    “I don’t know.”
    “Why don’t we discuss Max a little today? Perhaps that will help you find the answer you’re seeking.”
    I shift in my seat, already uncomfortable with the mere thought of where this conversation will lead. My fingers trace along the seat cushion.
    “Do you think that your connection to Max could be so strong because he’s the only man you’ve ever slept with? That you feel like you’re committing an indiscretion by caring for another person?”
    I’m slightly shocked by her words. Generally, she never allots me feelings or thoughts, always working to prod them from me. I shake my head and shrug at the same time. “No.” Her eyes obviously catch the small shrug, and I reiterate. “I think that I would feel like I was committing an indiscretion, but I don’t think the reason I feel that way is because I’ve only slept with him.”
    “What made you decide that you were ready to give your virtue to Max? Obviously, you had waited a very long time.”
    “I just knew,” I say, blinking back the memories and Kendall’s taunting voice in my head for Kitty using the word virtue. “I think I knew way before I admitted it to myself that I loved Max.”
    “Were you in any serious relationships before Max?”
    I nod. “Yeah, I dated several guys. I was just always reluctant to go that far for some reason. It had just never felt right.”
    “Do you think that you were afraid to sleep with other guys prior to Max because of what happened to you at that party?”
    “No.” I shake my head, working to explain to her what I already know. “No, I had sex with Max because I was ready, and I wanted to. I dated a lot of people before he and I got together, but they never gave me the same feelings that he had.”
    “I’m glad. That … situation…” She pauses, and I can hear her thoughts, though she doesn’t voice them. We spent most of last week discussing the last night of my drinking at parties after Kendall called me last Wednesday.
     
    “Hey, Kendall,” I’d